I FEEL SO (INSERT COLORFUL SYNONYM OF "UGH")

I never take enough time to write about how I feel, and it is mostly
because I dislike dwelling on my feelings when they are negative. But
here is what is going on in my head.

I feel useless. This is not recent development. I feel useless and
in so many ways I know I am. There have been few people in my life
who told me contrary, but their infrequency has given credence to my
inadequacy. I get overlooked by almost everyone, and several others
just take me for granted anyway. My friends only call me when they
need something, and I feel like I have let them down. I hope to
change all this.

I feel like I have lost "my touch" with girls. I haven't had a
legitimate girlfriend in so long that I worry I might just be a
boring, and it makes me think I have nothing to offer when I know that
is certainly untrue. I just feel like I have lost my magic, and I do
wonder if girls will ever find me to be attractive. It is no lack of
confidence, but just perhaps I am dealing with some issues in my own
estimation of my self-worth. But maybe it is no underestimation at
all, perhaps just the bitter truth taken cooly.

I think my relationships with all my friends has suffered. Even my
friendships with my best friends seem to be shallow. I love my
friends, but I hate not considering most of them to be more important
to my basic survival. Intimacy is like oxygen to me, so why have I
neglected my friendships for so long? I hope to make myself an
indispensable part of their lives. I want to be encouraging,
involved, an trustworthy in their eyes and hearts. I feel like I have
yet to earn respect in some of my friends' eyes, and I hope to change
that.

I am tired of people pointing out that I am short, as if I hadn't
realized I was only 5'6". Yes, I know, and yes it is awkward when you
say [I'm] really small. Cut it out. I didn't choose this, and there
is no way to change it... so I just have to live my life. We all have
ideal measurements, and I am happy being thin and lean.

I want a good job, but it seems like nobody is looking for someone
like me at the moment. If I could have any job in the world, it would
be to travel the world taking pictures and video of wild places,
little-known cultures, and adventurous spirits.

My life is joyful. My soul is adventurous. My heart has a big
capacity. My mind is sharp. It's just, this has been a hard year.

NEVER STOP SEEKING

Can you see in the dark?

Ambiguous, yes.  It's a lyric from one of my new favorite songs "Keep Yourself Warm" by The Frightened Monkeys (explicative alert!).

I am at another crossroad in my life, and for some reason this one feels even more important than the decisions that I had to make right around graduation time.  What am I going to do with my life?  That question never seems to have a concrete answer, and it never seems to be an easier pill to swallow either.  I find myself searching high and low for scraps of truth to piece together the purpose of my existence.

I am learning to never stop seeking.  God's character is not someone who makes everything easy and sweet.  Surely, I will be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life, but I can never stop seeking.  There is so much to learn, so much to be revealed, and so much of God to ingest that I could spend a lifetime getting to know my creator -- and I'm guessing, "that's the point."

Never. NEVER.  NEVER STOP SEEKING.

BEAUTIFUL

'All that is gold does not glitter'

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien