SAME OLD

Life is unpredictable. It comes at you full speed and hits you
whether or not you are expecting it to come knocking at your door. I
take a breath because it reminds me that being alive is precious, and
won't last forever. In many ways this sentiment has forced me to
accept a condition of desperation--where I have placed a new
importance on squeezing every drop out of life that I can. Accepting
that life is generally outside my control I find that there is one
thing I have been neglecting.

Freedom.

The freedom that I have in Christ lets me enjoy the circumstances of
life that I generally dislike. I am free, and that is a comforting
thought indeed.

DON'T PANIC

It is funny how perfectly timed life can be sometimes.  Perfect timing makes me believe in God because it makes life interesting to me, like a carefully orchestrated plan.  This makes me feel comfortable.

Lately I have been questioning all those great questions that thinkers think, I thought.

In reading my recent writings I see a pattern of hostility towards having a peaceful attitude about my existence.  Lately I have been more afraid then ever before that my blip blip blip of a life will someday end and be no more.  Fear shackles me down and limits my life, and I sit by and let it happen for some reason.  Why?

I realized that part of my problem is that I am not as smart as I think I am.  God says the wisdom of the world is foolishness.  We think we know everything, but the truth is that there is so much that we don't know and never will know that it is impossible to have it figured out.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have the answers to all the questions I have.

I question if my life is valuable... and sometimes I don't like the answer I come up with, but then today I realize that timing is the key to this question.  You should never question your value until you have done something to make it so.  This question is ultimately useless if God is who he says he is... the creator of life who loves and values us all.

But as I go about my life, doubting, believing, praying, and hoping, I find more questions rising to the surface.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is this "life"?

All of these big questions manifest themselves in my heart as turbulence that I am forced to navigate.  With a white-knuckled grip, I am shackled to my own futile attempts to interfere with inevitability.  Through this existential storm a light whispers over the horizon:  don't panic.

The ultimate answer is "42."  If you have read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy then my thoughts probably makes a little more sense to you.

DON'T PANIC.

Don't!

"Who of you can add a single moment to your life by worrying"  -the bible.

Don't panic.  Be cool.  Life is what it is, and the meaning it has is what we do with the time we have left.  I'll spend mine thinking about God, and probably doing something about it.

A WAKE UP

I am surrounded by a world full of beauty, and for some reason my
heart cannot make up its mind whether or not it can appreciate such
wonder. Am I crazy? Or maybe just getting older.

I seem to remind myself every day that death ultimately ends this
experience we get, so I better be living it right. In the past it
made living seem so much more beautiful because I knew the futility of
our lives was like a flower's blossom. Yet now I find myself scared
to the end of my wits by the thought of death. The statistics are
staggering. One out of every... one... person is going to die. It is
inescapable.

You would think that something we have little control over wouldn't
affect me so greatly, but I would be lying to say it does not. So
while it scares me I do my best to keep God close to my heart--
remembering that this life is really nothing compared for the life I
was born to have in heaven. This optimism still spares what doubts I
do have however, and my mind is constantly trying to work it out.

I just keep thinking...

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest, in fields of green
and quiet streams.

Life is beautiful. I find myself homesick for the beautiful place
that I came from, though I could hardly say I would have ever felt
this way when I was growing up there. I miss fog, rainy days, damp
air, and dense mists. For some reason I felt so alive in those
conditions. They were beautiful because they enhanced my life with an
enriched understanding that even harshness can inspire wonder.

Well, maybe I've just been in the sun so long down here that my head
is going dumb.

I am excited about life. I expect it has many treasures in store for
me, for us. Wake up people! Life is now.

LEARNING TO BREATH

Just about every week someone tells me I think too much. For the most
part, they have a point. I think a lot about a lot of things; stuff I
probably shouldn't think about (lately it's been about the heat death
of the universe). I've come to the realization that a lot of things
bother me that I have no control over, and while I fully admit to
myself that it is stupid to care about, there are still things that
upset me just because they do.

I am learning to take life as it is, and what I am finding is that I
am learning to breath. I inhale and I exhale, and then I praise God
that I am able to take my next breath. In a world so full of
uncertainty and helplessness, taking a moment to breath can really
clear my head of all the problems that are real and the ones that are
not.

Right now what I am really looking for is God, and to know that there
is still hope to be had.

THE PERFECT GIRL FOR ME

In light of the "boyfriend/girlfriend application" list that everyone
seems to have, I thought to myself: I might just be bored enough to
post something similar. When I got down to thinking about it though,
the exercise of writing what I want in a woman was a really great tool
for sharpening my definition of who that woman is going to be... and
by golly, I can't wait to meet her. So without further ado, here is
the Geoff Spencer Top 10 desirable traits in a girl: (but not in
any order)

1. Must be intelligent but very down to earth. Nothing bugs me more
than girls who not only lack common sense, but also couldn't think
their way out of a problem. I have identified that a lot of what bugs
me about people in general could be avoided by the combination of
intelligence, wisdom, and a little maturity. I don't care how hot she
might be, if she is the kind of girl that might end up on Jerry
Springer, I want nothing to do with her. Intelligence is important
and not really something I am willing to sacrifice on. I am not
asking for a genius, but nothing bothers me as much as poor
intelligence.

2. A girl whose commitment to honoring God is evident in every way
she thinks. Combining with my desire for a girl with wisdom, I want a
girl who knows what she believes, and acts on it. I couldn't stand
dating someone as lazy as me, and I think it would be great for me to
be encouraged to grow closer to God.

3. She must care about others, genuinely, more than herself. I am
not looking for an average girl, and I don't want to date someone so
self involved that she can't live her life for others. The greatest
service a person can do is to live their life in service of others....
which leads into the next point:

4. I want a thoughtful girl who is intentional. I want a girl who
will take initiative to bake cookies for the neighbors when she has
seen they are having a bad day. Maybe goes out of her way to show
god's love, but not in a self righteous way, but rather in a way that
shows a person that they are loved and valued. I think an intentional
girl may be one of the most important criterions I am looking for.

5. A girl who loves laughing. At me, at herself, and the world. I
don't want a girl who has trouble finding joy.

6. I want a girl who could be just as happy poor as rich. I do not
want a girlfriend who desires to have the latest and greatest of
everything, or bothers much about the way people might think of her if
she lived modestly. I think money spoils us and makes us into
monsters who forget that there is more to life than living in a
gigantic house and being able to afford fancy alcohols. If I do
become wealthy, I want a woman who would be just as happy giving it
all to a charity as using it to give to a church.

7. I need a girl who is stable and reliable. I know too many girls
that I think are absolutely crazy. My biggest fear is marrying a girl
who seems nice but turns out to be a total *choice explicative.* Some
girls can barely survive homework--not the ideal candidate for a woman
I'm looking to spend all the ups and downs of life with.

8. I need a girl who cares about her body, physical fitness, and
loves being outside-doing outdoor sports like hiking, etc. I really
enjoy girls who like getting dirty in mud because I like it when girls
don't worry about having to be someone else. Physical fitness is
important to me because I enjoy physical activities and I want a play
partner, not a bystander.

9. A girl who looks beautiful without makeup. Makeup just bugs me
because it's putting a mask on something real. I want real. I want
flesh. Some little things are totally fine, but girls who just cake
it on just don't really spike my interest.

10. I want a girl who is as crazy about adventure as me. I am
looking for that kindred spirit willing to set sail with me.

Not too shabby. If this makes me sound shallow... oh well. I fully
admit that all of these criterions are very important to me, and until
I find a girl like this, I'm gonna keep praying God will put her in my
life.

So if you know anybody like this... ;)

THE SCIENCE OF COMMITMENT

As longer stares into the mirror are starting to reveal some pivotal things to me, I find myself in deep scrutiny of the man that I am and the man I am becoming.  The reflection I see is not close to what I thought it was, giving me the opportunity to face new demons in my ever growing desire to become what I was born to be, a real Christian.

The revelation of today spoke truthful words that sting my heart, but so needed to be heard.  I realized today that although I always believed to the contrary, I care about very little more than myself and the people who I see can make me happy or serve my needs.  This isn't exactly true, but very close to the simple truth.  I realized today the power of the wisdom of the scriptures which tell us that faith without work is dead.  While my understanding of God leads me to believe that God loves us so incredibly much that our salvation does not lay in the accomplishment of good works and deeds, I think God values a certain attitude that embraces what he cares most about, us.

What I really see in the mirror is the reflection of a man whose heart aches for the pain and torment of the world, and while recognizing that it is all more important than him, does nothing.  My heart, as evidenced by my actions, often directs me to believe my motto might just be "it's all about me."

After studying myself in the mirror, I realized that I lack commitment to caring about the things that break my heart.  Why is that?  Why do I spend so much of my life living in despair that I am doing little meaningful work when there is plenty of work needed around me?  This questions drive me to study the science of commitment--what forces are keeping me from doing what I want to do, and know I ought to do?

"for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me."  Then they themselves also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?"  Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me."  Matthew 25: 42-45.

The problem is that I do care a lot about the things that God cares about, but I am wondering if I don't love God enough to love doing these things.  I am just being honest.  I want to love God more than everything, and why I don't at this moment frustrates me.  It makes me wonder whether God is simple and I am just trying to over-think him, or if God is complex and I've been trying too little.

I care about hungry people.  I care about people who are naked... sometimes I am naked myself.  The thought of me depriving Jesus of the care God would want any human to have just tugs at my heart strings.  How can I possibly care about anything if I do not commit myself to solving the problem.  All of this boils down to the question of who am I living my life for: me, or Christ?

In the end I realize: it's not about me.

I want to love like Christ loved, and do the work of caring for people, but my lack of commitment makes me feel like I have a lot of changing to do in my heart.

I do not want to sit on my couch wondering where my life went and why I wasted this precious gift of life on just me.  I want to change the world by changing hearts.  I do not know where to start, but I am begging God to give me direction into doing something for the kingdom, but before I can get there, not only do I have to realize that it's not about me, but secondly, that God does not need me to accomplish his work.  I just pray that whether I know it or not, that God will use me to do big things, and by the love I live in my life, that someone might find God in the wind giving power to my sails.