THE RICHNESS OF YOUR GLORY

I think I am like most people, who put God into a little box where we
call on him whenever life gets a little hiccup or a distress becomes
too inconvenient to deal with alone. God is so much more than that,
and wants us to experience a richness of life that may not be easier,
but will certainly be fuller.

Tonight was the Christmas Eve service at church, and for the first
time ever we had the service at 11 pm. I was dreading it at first,
but then I found out some great friends whom I haven't seen in way too
long were coming and I got really excited. At Church, I recognized so
many family friends that it really made me very happy. For a family
christmas that almost didn't happen, this is sure turning out so far
to be a great Christmas (I feared I would be scheduled to work).

Tonight during the service I began thinking about why God goes so far
to reach out to us. We must be pretty special. Just looking around
at the world we discover an entire universe full of complex designs
and structures created by God for what appears to be one purpose:
life. Our very existence is as statistically probable as the chances
of gravity suddenly reversing on it's own accord. God created this
whole realm as an act of revelation of himself and his glory, and I
cannot help but notice the richness of it all. We are little more
than specks of dirt in time, and yet this universe exists solely as a
home for us.

God loves us very much indeed. It's all for his glory... and how rich
that glory is!

CONSEQUENCE

Consequences, repercussions, outcomes--I am the kind of man who is
always careful about what he sows so that I may only reap the best
harvest. I am at a point where there are so many possible and
pressing choices that I am starting to wonder if I am going about it
all wrong. Maybe my time would be more fruitful if I made a choice
and then dealt with the consequences as it comes. Maybe that is just
as foolish.

I live my life so cautiously at times. It would be a lie for me to
deny that I am a calculative person; taking risks only when the
opportunity is destiny. I would say that this has not worked badly
for me, but I feel like something is missing.

Maybe I just need to dive deep. Make my choices and then stand by
them. What is this life, after all, if not a tiny finite moment
barely celebrated for but a moment? If I only live once (here) then
perhaps I should be a better steward of what God has blessed me with.

Whatever cost, whatever pain,
I'd like to think I'd follow you anywhere
Prepare this heart for whatever mission

IN CHRIST ALONE

I'm at that point in my life where my hunger to know God more
intimately is becoming a desperate hunger.

Soon I will starve, or be filled... and I doubt God is ready to let me
starve. I am ready to commit my life to living for God, and while
I'll admit it scares me to consider what implications that may have,
I see the adventure in it all. If there is anything I fancy myself to
be, it is an adventurer.

In Christ Alone, my hope is found.

I'm at another crossroad in my life. I have so many decisions to
make. Nothing is easy--well, except finding the time to sweat
everything. I face decisions in my job, in my dating life, in my
friendships, in my schedule, in my paths, in my finances... there are
choices that need to be made everywhere. While I lean on God to give
me wisdom, I know that he will not make the decision for me.
Therefore I sit and pray for guidance, and while I make a leap of
faith, pray that God will bless me in it.

It is also in this moment of rejuvenation that I seek to make changes
to my life that affect others. I want to be kinder, more generous,
and wiser. I used to be the person whom people sought for wisdom, and
lately I've felt like the village idiot. I want to be remembered for
my kind, bold, and prophetic words. I want to give others a taste of
the love God has, and I want to be full of life.

In the end, I worry that I am all flashy words and no substance. The
hope of things yet to be keeps me smiling however, and I pray for
growth to come.

I FEEL SO (INSERT COLORFUL SYNONYM OF "UGH")

I never take enough time to write about how I feel, and it is mostly
because I dislike dwelling on my feelings when they are negative. But
here is what is going on in my head.

I feel useless. This is not recent development. I feel useless and
in so many ways I know I am. There have been few people in my life
who told me contrary, but their infrequency has given credence to my
inadequacy. I get overlooked by almost everyone, and several others
just take me for granted anyway. My friends only call me when they
need something, and I feel like I have let them down. I hope to
change all this.

I feel like I have lost "my touch" with girls. I haven't had a
legitimate girlfriend in so long that I worry I might just be a
boring, and it makes me think I have nothing to offer when I know that
is certainly untrue. I just feel like I have lost my magic, and I do
wonder if girls will ever find me to be attractive. It is no lack of
confidence, but just perhaps I am dealing with some issues in my own
estimation of my self-worth. But maybe it is no underestimation at
all, perhaps just the bitter truth taken cooly.

I think my relationships with all my friends has suffered. Even my
friendships with my best friends seem to be shallow. I love my
friends, but I hate not considering most of them to be more important
to my basic survival. Intimacy is like oxygen to me, so why have I
neglected my friendships for so long? I hope to make myself an
indispensable part of their lives. I want to be encouraging,
involved, an trustworthy in their eyes and hearts. I feel like I have
yet to earn respect in some of my friends' eyes, and I hope to change
that.

I am tired of people pointing out that I am short, as if I hadn't
realized I was only 5'6". Yes, I know, and yes it is awkward when you
say [I'm] really small. Cut it out. I didn't choose this, and there
is no way to change it... so I just have to live my life. We all have
ideal measurements, and I am happy being thin and lean.

I want a good job, but it seems like nobody is looking for someone
like me at the moment. If I could have any job in the world, it would
be to travel the world taking pictures and video of wild places,
little-known cultures, and adventurous spirits.

My life is joyful. My soul is adventurous. My heart has a big
capacity. My mind is sharp. It's just, this has been a hard year.

NEVER STOP SEEKING

Can you see in the dark?

Ambiguous, yes.  It's a lyric from one of my new favorite songs "Keep Yourself Warm" by The Frightened Monkeys (explicative alert!).

I am at another crossroad in my life, and for some reason this one feels even more important than the decisions that I had to make right around graduation time.  What am I going to do with my life?  That question never seems to have a concrete answer, and it never seems to be an easier pill to swallow either.  I find myself searching high and low for scraps of truth to piece together the purpose of my existence.

I am learning to never stop seeking.  God's character is not someone who makes everything easy and sweet.  Surely, I will be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life, but I can never stop seeking.  There is so much to learn, so much to be revealed, and so much of God to ingest that I could spend a lifetime getting to know my creator -- and I'm guessing, "that's the point."

Never. NEVER.  NEVER STOP SEEKING.

BEAUTIFUL

'All that is gold does not glitter'

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien

SADDNESS

Some days I just wake up and realize that I feel sad.  It is not that I had a bad morning or a bad sleep, but every so often I come in to consciousness and realize that today might just be another forgettable day, and this of course makes me sad.

Deeply sad.

That which makes me sad are problems not easily solved.  I have sadness in so many areas of my life that this makes me sadder.  Sadness over a girl too far from reach, an adventure not lived, friends lost, friends not made, a family not bonded tightly, a God met with hostility, friends not in community, and a world full of ignorance of peace.  My sadness plagues these days, and there are times that my overwhelming hope and optimism fail in the shadow my sadness casts.

God's love is strong throughout my pain, and while it comforts me greatly, a desperate chill still fills my breath.  What can I do to make such sadness cease?  It seams for so long I haven't experienced great joy, and the terrible thing is that I know joy is often a matter of choice.

God, take this sad heart and make it new.  

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

I long for the day when some girl will see her whole world in my
eyes. I long to be wanted, esteemed, and enjoyed, cause right now I
feel only tolerated with an accompaniment of apathy.

KINDNESS

Of all the virtues I consider to be important, I realized a great tragedy before me.  I have spent so much time considering the importance of wisdom, justice, freedom, and love, that I have developed serious tunnel vision--in doing so I forgot one of God's most precious gifts to us: the act of kindness.

I categorically considered myself a kind person, but I realize in many ways my selfishness and general apathy towards being a participator in acts of kindness illuminates fully a inconsistency now vividly apparent.  The man I see myself as is irreconcilable with the man I am.  Believing myself a kind person naïvely has led me to overlook opportunities to engage others in a God-pleasing way.  Thinking I was kind led me to overlook those who who truly needed some kindness.

How I realize now the importance of this humble virtue.  Kindness is more than being considerate, fair, or loving.  It is an act that requires a participator and an action... an action which generally demands a sacrifice on behalf of the participator.  I would define kindness without sacrifice as simply generosity (which is not a bad thing either).  The severity of the sacrifice is paralleled in the act of kindness.  What we experience as a desire to be kind is a byproduct of the act and sensation of real love of others, universally.  My prayers then led me to beg God to fill my heart with love and joy of others, and to petition him to lead me in acts of kindness when they are not apparent to me.

What do I believe about kindness?  Kindness is gentle, but can be passionate.  Kindness is big, but can be shown in small ways.  Kindness can be random, but love is constant.  Kindness can be bold, but best served humbly.

I challenge myself to live the remainder of my life exercising kindness to all people, in any way that I can.

God, give me a heart that seeks to be kind to others.  Cleans my thoughts and make them pure.  Strike selfishness from my lips and my mind, and fill the void left there with passion for your people.  Illuminate opportunities to be bold and humble.  Remind me constantly that while this garden is temporary, it is still the perfect place to worship you with my actions.  Give me wisdom, a heart for justice, love indescribable, joy in freedom, and focus my eyes on kindness.

THE JOY OF DOUBT

Doubt comes when you have big questions that cause you to seek answers.  Joyful doubting is when your quest for answers is so fulfilling that your faith becomes a solid rock...

Rarely do I read a book that is life changing.

How the natural order of things has been upset recently!  Tonight I finished a book called "Creator and the Cosmos" by Hugh Ross, PH. D. and it has genuinely changed my life.  "How is that?" one might ask.  I have been struggling with doubt and fear about God's existence for a long time.  I had so many questions about the universe, about life, and so many other great things that it has really affected me negatively over the past four years.  Tonight though I have found a fountain of truth, and with a joyful heart I say that doubting has been the best thing to ever happen to me.  For without doubt, I would have never sought the answers that have swung me from ignorance to awe and wonder.

In Creator and The Cosmos, Ross outlines the evidence for the creation of the universe using the latest scientific discoveries of astronomers and scientists alike, many of whom are atheists.  The evidence for a Big Bang event are overwhelming, but this means that the universe had a beginning!  There is no escaping the fact that everything is created.  [This is not me trying to prove or argue my faith, I am simply summarizing what I have learned].  I always asked why there is so much space and so many stars, and the latest scientific discoveries show that if there was any more or any less stars in the universe, placed any closer or any further, and life would be impossible because planets would not be able to form.  The whole universe shows complexities and formations that could not have randomly occurred without divine intervention, and the universe is nowhere near as improbable and complicated as the human body.  The fact that life exists, at all, shows proof of God's design, intellect, and care for creation.  To simplify the argument, this universe and the life in it is far too complicated and improbable (infinite understatement) to explain by simply natural explanations.

The final chapter, entitled "The Point", is only 3 pages long, but it has changed my life forever.  One sections reads:

"Drawing near to God, calling on Him "in truth," begins with humbly acknowledging who we are -- His creation and no one else's, foolishly inclined to place ourselves or others in God's place of authority over our lives -- and who He is -- the Divine Maker and Provider of all things, including a way across the gulf that divides us from him."  (pp. 218)

Those words are honey to my lips.  Drawing near to God begins with acknowledging that we are his creation and he (and only he) is our creator.  I think the word "acknowledging" can best be described as understanding.  This means to me that by understanding God's creation, we can be closer to him.  I see the degrees of complexities and magnitudes of this creation, and I am impressed.  Praise God for your creation.

I have always had an interest in science, and forever I thought that science stood in the way of faith.  It is now that I realize that science makes my faith even better.

THIRST

I am thirsty.

thirst:  Poetic/Literary  a strong desire for something.

As I sit here cocooned in music, I am realizing how truly dry I am.  I thirst for so much but my eyes are veiled: I feel like I am in a desert, when in fact I am treading in an ocean.

I thirst for righteousness, true love, for God's kingdom come, for peace, for wisdom, for love, for justice, for freedom, for heaven, for answers, for buried treasure, for blessings, for faith, for intimacy, for life, for adventure, and I thirst to know myself.  I am a man, thirsty for so much, and this thirst manifests itself as much more than hunger pains.  I know what I was made for, my purpose, my amazing calling, but I idly take it for granted, and refuse every cupful that comes my way.

By any definition, we would call a man dying of thirst who refuses a cup of water to be insane.

My thirst has reached an apex, a tipping point: I can no longer ignore the passion of my soul to be righteous and faithful.

I am exhausted with trying to fake my way through relationships, my faith, my work, and life in general.  A moment of honesty for me is a moment of self-recognition, and at times I do not like the whole picture present in the mirror.  But I am confronted with a truth greater than anything power of this world; I am loved without precondition by a God who promises satisfaction to all who thirst.

This past year has been a difficult one for me.  One of asking myself whether or not I truly believe in God, and the answer I have discovered is that I absolutely believe he exists, and that he is involved in the affairs of this world--and this heart.

It should come as no surprise then that I thirst to know more about the Creator.  I know much about his character, but little about his face or his hand.  With little trepidation I sail forward towards springs of freedom, justice, wisdom, and love... hoping that this insatiable yearning can be cured by a God who promises to quench all thirsts.

MY DREAM HOME, SPENCER RANCH

So I have been thinking a lot about what I want in life recently, and
it all kinda boiled down to a lifestyle.

I want to own my own ranch.

Near a beach, a forrest, and some farmland.

I have always been a fan of horses since third grade when my Mom
bought us a horse (for $1). It was a twenty year old Appaloosa that
had just one eye, which also happened to be blind. Her name was
Breeze (a sore allusion to her bare eye socket, I suppose). Then when
I was in 5th grade my mother sold Breeze away to some foundation for
blind kids. Losers. (That's a joke, I don't really think blind
people are losers... although I did accidently say "See ya later" to a
blind person at work a few weeks ago--which wasn't nearly as bad an
accident as Greg yelling "we can walk!" as a paraplegic rolled right
behind him). So I tried to see if it would be possible for me to buy
a horse on my own, and I quickly discovered that a paper route
wouldn't support all a horse needs. Defeat, and then I grew up.

I have always loved wilderness. Something about wandering streams
full of fish and tall forests has always called me home. I feel
natural and in my element around dust, dirt, and leaf. The polished
rocks of river beds and the smell of pine needles have always kept me
dreaming of owning and living in a slice of God's beautiful creation.

I want to live on a ranch, sit on my porch drinking lemonade, watch
the sun dip over the mountainside as country tunes fill the air,
whilst my children run around the yard with fiddles. Ok, I lied about
the fiddle part. On this ranch I want to have a studio, where I can
write, take pictures, edit film, paint, broadcast christian talk radio/
tv, and build a telescope.

I like the city, but there are so many people that I am overwhelmed at
times. I am also not a big fan of traffic or public restrooms or
stinky garbage trucks.

Maybe this is all a little ridiculous, but that's my dream home.

SAME OLD

Life is unpredictable. It comes at you full speed and hits you
whether or not you are expecting it to come knocking at your door. I
take a breath because it reminds me that being alive is precious, and
won't last forever. In many ways this sentiment has forced me to
accept a condition of desperation--where I have placed a new
importance on squeezing every drop out of life that I can. Accepting
that life is generally outside my control I find that there is one
thing I have been neglecting.

Freedom.

The freedom that I have in Christ lets me enjoy the circumstances of
life that I generally dislike. I am free, and that is a comforting
thought indeed.

DON'T PANIC

It is funny how perfectly timed life can be sometimes.  Perfect timing makes me believe in God because it makes life interesting to me, like a carefully orchestrated plan.  This makes me feel comfortable.

Lately I have been questioning all those great questions that thinkers think, I thought.

In reading my recent writings I see a pattern of hostility towards having a peaceful attitude about my existence.  Lately I have been more afraid then ever before that my blip blip blip of a life will someday end and be no more.  Fear shackles me down and limits my life, and I sit by and let it happen for some reason.  Why?

I realized that part of my problem is that I am not as smart as I think I am.  God says the wisdom of the world is foolishness.  We think we know everything, but the truth is that there is so much that we don't know and never will know that it is impossible to have it figured out.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have the answers to all the questions I have.

I question if my life is valuable... and sometimes I don't like the answer I come up with, but then today I realize that timing is the key to this question.  You should never question your value until you have done something to make it so.  This question is ultimately useless if God is who he says he is... the creator of life who loves and values us all.

But as I go about my life, doubting, believing, praying, and hoping, I find more questions rising to the surface.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is this "life"?

All of these big questions manifest themselves in my heart as turbulence that I am forced to navigate.  With a white-knuckled grip, I am shackled to my own futile attempts to interfere with inevitability.  Through this existential storm a light whispers over the horizon:  don't panic.

The ultimate answer is "42."  If you have read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy then my thoughts probably makes a little more sense to you.

DON'T PANIC.

Don't!

"Who of you can add a single moment to your life by worrying"  -the bible.

Don't panic.  Be cool.  Life is what it is, and the meaning it has is what we do with the time we have left.  I'll spend mine thinking about God, and probably doing something about it.

A WAKE UP

I am surrounded by a world full of beauty, and for some reason my
heart cannot make up its mind whether or not it can appreciate such
wonder. Am I crazy? Or maybe just getting older.

I seem to remind myself every day that death ultimately ends this
experience we get, so I better be living it right. In the past it
made living seem so much more beautiful because I knew the futility of
our lives was like a flower's blossom. Yet now I find myself scared
to the end of my wits by the thought of death. The statistics are
staggering. One out of every... one... person is going to die. It is
inescapable.

You would think that something we have little control over wouldn't
affect me so greatly, but I would be lying to say it does not. So
while it scares me I do my best to keep God close to my heart--
remembering that this life is really nothing compared for the life I
was born to have in heaven. This optimism still spares what doubts I
do have however, and my mind is constantly trying to work it out.

I just keep thinking...

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.
He makes me rest, in fields of green
and quiet streams.

Life is beautiful. I find myself homesick for the beautiful place
that I came from, though I could hardly say I would have ever felt
this way when I was growing up there. I miss fog, rainy days, damp
air, and dense mists. For some reason I felt so alive in those
conditions. They were beautiful because they enhanced my life with an
enriched understanding that even harshness can inspire wonder.

Well, maybe I've just been in the sun so long down here that my head
is going dumb.

I am excited about life. I expect it has many treasures in store for
me, for us. Wake up people! Life is now.

LEARNING TO BREATH

Just about every week someone tells me I think too much. For the most
part, they have a point. I think a lot about a lot of things; stuff I
probably shouldn't think about (lately it's been about the heat death
of the universe). I've come to the realization that a lot of things
bother me that I have no control over, and while I fully admit to
myself that it is stupid to care about, there are still things that
upset me just because they do.

I am learning to take life as it is, and what I am finding is that I
am learning to breath. I inhale and I exhale, and then I praise God
that I am able to take my next breath. In a world so full of
uncertainty and helplessness, taking a moment to breath can really
clear my head of all the problems that are real and the ones that are
not.

Right now what I am really looking for is God, and to know that there
is still hope to be had.

THE PERFECT GIRL FOR ME

In light of the "boyfriend/girlfriend application" list that everyone
seems to have, I thought to myself: I might just be bored enough to
post something similar. When I got down to thinking about it though,
the exercise of writing what I want in a woman was a really great tool
for sharpening my definition of who that woman is going to be... and
by golly, I can't wait to meet her. So without further ado, here is
the Geoff Spencer Top 10 desirable traits in a girl: (but not in
any order)

1. Must be intelligent but very down to earth. Nothing bugs me more
than girls who not only lack common sense, but also couldn't think
their way out of a problem. I have identified that a lot of what bugs
me about people in general could be avoided by the combination of
intelligence, wisdom, and a little maturity. I don't care how hot she
might be, if she is the kind of girl that might end up on Jerry
Springer, I want nothing to do with her. Intelligence is important
and not really something I am willing to sacrifice on. I am not
asking for a genius, but nothing bothers me as much as poor
intelligence.

2. A girl whose commitment to honoring God is evident in every way
she thinks. Combining with my desire for a girl with wisdom, I want a
girl who knows what she believes, and acts on it. I couldn't stand
dating someone as lazy as me, and I think it would be great for me to
be encouraged to grow closer to God.

3. She must care about others, genuinely, more than herself. I am
not looking for an average girl, and I don't want to date someone so
self involved that she can't live her life for others. The greatest
service a person can do is to live their life in service of others....
which leads into the next point:

4. I want a thoughtful girl who is intentional. I want a girl who
will take initiative to bake cookies for the neighbors when she has
seen they are having a bad day. Maybe goes out of her way to show
god's love, but not in a self righteous way, but rather in a way that
shows a person that they are loved and valued. I think an intentional
girl may be one of the most important criterions I am looking for.

5. A girl who loves laughing. At me, at herself, and the world. I
don't want a girl who has trouble finding joy.

6. I want a girl who could be just as happy poor as rich. I do not
want a girlfriend who desires to have the latest and greatest of
everything, or bothers much about the way people might think of her if
she lived modestly. I think money spoils us and makes us into
monsters who forget that there is more to life than living in a
gigantic house and being able to afford fancy alcohols. If I do
become wealthy, I want a woman who would be just as happy giving it
all to a charity as using it to give to a church.

7. I need a girl who is stable and reliable. I know too many girls
that I think are absolutely crazy. My biggest fear is marrying a girl
who seems nice but turns out to be a total *choice explicative.* Some
girls can barely survive homework--not the ideal candidate for a woman
I'm looking to spend all the ups and downs of life with.

8. I need a girl who cares about her body, physical fitness, and
loves being outside-doing outdoor sports like hiking, etc. I really
enjoy girls who like getting dirty in mud because I like it when girls
don't worry about having to be someone else. Physical fitness is
important to me because I enjoy physical activities and I want a play
partner, not a bystander.

9. A girl who looks beautiful without makeup. Makeup just bugs me
because it's putting a mask on something real. I want real. I want
flesh. Some little things are totally fine, but girls who just cake
it on just don't really spike my interest.

10. I want a girl who is as crazy about adventure as me. I am
looking for that kindred spirit willing to set sail with me.

Not too shabby. If this makes me sound shallow... oh well. I fully
admit that all of these criterions are very important to me, and until
I find a girl like this, I'm gonna keep praying God will put her in my
life.

So if you know anybody like this... ;)

THE SCIENCE OF COMMITMENT

As longer stares into the mirror are starting to reveal some pivotal things to me, I find myself in deep scrutiny of the man that I am and the man I am becoming.  The reflection I see is not close to what I thought it was, giving me the opportunity to face new demons in my ever growing desire to become what I was born to be, a real Christian.

The revelation of today spoke truthful words that sting my heart, but so needed to be heard.  I realized today that although I always believed to the contrary, I care about very little more than myself and the people who I see can make me happy or serve my needs.  This isn't exactly true, but very close to the simple truth.  I realized today the power of the wisdom of the scriptures which tell us that faith without work is dead.  While my understanding of God leads me to believe that God loves us so incredibly much that our salvation does not lay in the accomplishment of good works and deeds, I think God values a certain attitude that embraces what he cares most about, us.

What I really see in the mirror is the reflection of a man whose heart aches for the pain and torment of the world, and while recognizing that it is all more important than him, does nothing.  My heart, as evidenced by my actions, often directs me to believe my motto might just be "it's all about me."

After studying myself in the mirror, I realized that I lack commitment to caring about the things that break my heart.  Why is that?  Why do I spend so much of my life living in despair that I am doing little meaningful work when there is plenty of work needed around me?  This questions drive me to study the science of commitment--what forces are keeping me from doing what I want to do, and know I ought to do?

"for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me."  Then they themselves also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?"  Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me."  Matthew 25: 42-45.

The problem is that I do care a lot about the things that God cares about, but I am wondering if I don't love God enough to love doing these things.  I am just being honest.  I want to love God more than everything, and why I don't at this moment frustrates me.  It makes me wonder whether God is simple and I am just trying to over-think him, or if God is complex and I've been trying too little.

I care about hungry people.  I care about people who are naked... sometimes I am naked myself.  The thought of me depriving Jesus of the care God would want any human to have just tugs at my heart strings.  How can I possibly care about anything if I do not commit myself to solving the problem.  All of this boils down to the question of who am I living my life for: me, or Christ?

In the end I realize: it's not about me.

I want to love like Christ loved, and do the work of caring for people, but my lack of commitment makes me feel like I have a lot of changing to do in my heart.

I do not want to sit on my couch wondering where my life went and why I wasted this precious gift of life on just me.  I want to change the world by changing hearts.  I do not know where to start, but I am begging God to give me direction into doing something for the kingdom, but before I can get there, not only do I have to realize that it's not about me, but secondly, that God does not need me to accomplish his work.  I just pray that whether I know it or not, that God will use me to do big things, and by the love I live in my life, that someone might find God in the wind giving power to my sails.

GEOFF REVIEWS: WANTED (2008)

There's something special about office dwelling weenie Wesley Gibson.  Despite his extraordinarily pathetic life ruled by popping pills, Gibson, played by James McAvoy (Atonement), has the special ability to bend bullets and other spectacular impossibilities.  Yes, I'm talking about Wanted, the new film directed by Timur Bekmambetov... and while Morgan Freeman + (Angelina + guns) sounds like an adequate recipe for a decent film, the whacky premise of Wanted makes me wish they had gone with the "maybe it'd be better if we made Wesley face-off against Neo from the Matrix" idea.

The plot of the film follows Wesley as he discovers the strength he never knew he had, with the help of a fraternity of trained assassins, of which his father just so happened  to be the greatest, until he was "murdered in cold blood" by a rogue assassin a few days ago.  Wesley is taken into the arms the Fraternity, a thousand year old clan of... weavers.  Yes, weavers.  At the Fraternity's safe house, in Chicago, Wesley is trained to be a lethal bullet bending machine by the foxy femme fetal Fox, Angelina Jolie (Tombraider), under the supervision of the Fraternity's leader Sloan (Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption).  Once his training is complete, Wesley will be a full fledged assassin with a spectacularly complete life, something all assassins can boast.

As it turns out, the Fraternity is the hand and tool of fate.  Their targets are assigned to them by an obnoxiously contrived source free from human tampering... an ever growing quilt that holds random binary codes in its fabric... which was discovered all those centuries ago by the Fraternity.  Neat huh?

The film features a lot of loud noises and spectacular scenes of nonsensical action that by golly looks really neat.  The best moment of the film comes as Jolie steps out of a bathtub and we see the top of her buttocks.  Oh how all the desperate young men in the audience liked that!  This film was rather insulting in many ways, making me believe that the sophistication of most movie-goers today is at a level where nothing needs to make sense for them to appreciate a film, which explains why my drunk friends liked it more than I did.  

The writers barely shell out a character arc for our Wesley.  His character is convincing but so contrived.  He really has no motivation, and never even wonders why his father left in the first place.  A lot of the script in this film could be described like Wesley's former life, inadequate.

The acting in the film is alright, and Jolie does a terrific job of creating a new character despite its similarity to other roles she has played.  Unfortunately there is not enough Jolie in this film.  Morgan Freeman is a wonderful man, but I'm going to forget he was in this film.  James McAvoy who was great in Atonement, does a standup job as Wesley, but I think he could have used better direction around the middle of the film.

The great action sequences are fun to look at, but nothing really and truly new and unique.  It constantly reminded me of the matrix, and the insufferable story really put me over the edge.  Wanted, hah.  I *wanted* my money back.

JOY COMES IN THE MORNING

God is my shepherd, I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.

I am encouraged by the wisdom in God's little surprises.  This past week had been very difficult for me; truly one of the lowest weeks of my life.  For many reasons I found disappointment an easy commodity to fill my life, and every day became another excuse to add another tally to the "bad" side of the scorecard I had been keeping.  The month of June hasn't been generous with good days.  In the past weeks I had experienced great frustration, and it all came down on me one afternoon while driving home from work on the very packed, hot, and garbage smelling I-5... and ironically God made himself known to me here.  Suddenly a car passed in front of me, and the license frame read in silver letters "Joy comes in the morning."

Joy comes in the morning.

I wrote earlier of the mighty chains that bind me down, but now I write of the truth that sets me free.  God seems to be pretty intent on always keeping me in suspense, as his surprises come when I least suspect them, but one thing I do love about God is knowing that the promise of tomorrow is a promise of great joy, and that changes who I am today.  I find myself capable of loving life the way God wants me to: through the good, and the more often bad.  Knowing what dreams may come gives today a brighter morning.

God is my shepherd, I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting.

He makes me rest in fields of green

and quiet streams

Even though I walk through the valley

of death of dying

I will not fear cause you are with me,

you are with me

"In The House of God Forever" by Jon Foreman

Today at work, I had cleared guests off to the side of the parade path for the Electric Light Parade.  As I worked to keep the path clean I went around talking to guests to make sure they were having a nice day and a great experience at the Disneyland parks.  These little boys waved me down and started talking to me about how excited they were.  Suddenly, three of the most adorable children I have ever seen came up to me as I was kneeling to talk.  These three girls were holding some kind of little pink and furry books, and when they got to me they asked very sweetly "Can we have your autograph?"  I was embarrassed in front of the thousand people watching me in the middle of the parade path.  I heard a choir of "ahhhs" from behind me, well--maybe 4 or 5.  I was embarrassed as I felt I had done nothing worthy of these little children's respect, but as I wondered what to write on their little autograph books a sense of purpose came over me.  I wasn't sure what I am allowed to write when I am working, but the message in my mind was clear.  I wrote to each girl that they were princesses, and were made to be special.  After they signed it and walked off, I had the biggest smile on my face.  I guess it's the magic of the place, but what I really hoped was that those girls would maybe one day look back on that and realize what I truly meant by what I wrote:  that they are God's little princesses, and he made them very special.

I think that the biggest joy we get in life is knowing we are special.  Does anything make you more special than being a joy to God?  Joy is not a transaction between man and God, it's a circle and an embrace.  We take joy in God's love, and our joy makes God's day.

If joy comes in the morning, don't keep the sun down too long.

If joy comes in the morning, don't let me oversleep.

If joy comes in the morning, let me give you joy in the evening.

LOVE AND HATE

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I truly despise Los Angeles.  I despise her sports teams, her traffic, her dirtiness, her crooked cops, her stupid heat.  Not only do I loathe living so close to this overpopulated crap heap, but I fail to understand how things could be so bad.

So I am embellishing my distaste for LA a little, but for some reason I am just in a moment of life where I am less than enthusiastic about my current situation.  Why is it so hard for me to be grateful for the things I have?  Why is it so hard to do the things I ought to do, and want to do?  Like I already discovered though, I am selfish through and through, and the only person's needs that I seam to care for are my own.

What a hard pill to swallow.

I see God teaching me so much right now.  At first I blamed all of my misery on account of God.  I thought to myself: if I was where God wanted me to be, then I wouldn't be so miserable.  Then it occurred to me:  every Christian doesn't own a mansion on Maui.  I don't think God puts us in situations to be safe and risk nothing.  I realized for me that my miserable attitude towards life came from the fact that I am not loving as Christ loves.

I realized that my misery spawned from living a life where I wasn't allowing God to love through me.

So tonight my prayer leads me to gently petition God so,

Lord, take this selfish and attention-starved heard and make it yours.  God you know how miserable I get in those moments where I refuse to let your love guide my steps.  God, keep pushing me to go wild with love, and to find gratitude in what I have, in what I am, and what you will accomplish through me and without me.  My heart is heavy, but you are strong.  Carry these burdens for me or with me, and let your love become a joy inside the deepest reaches of my being.  Amen.

Things are going to get interesting.

IN THE NAME OF

This week has been a long week.  I started training at work, and let me tell you... I hate commuting.  If there is one thing on this planet that can make me crazy upset, it is undoubtedly traffic.  My car is the other.  No air conditioning in a car with windows that don't roll down while stop and go traffic makes my car an oven is the nightmare I face every day.  Yeah, traffic really irks me.  Traffic, and also having no personal time to myself in a day.  I didn't really realize it until recently, but not taking time to be by myself and think makes me really irritable to little things, although it's nothing that I don't get over after a moment.

I had great alone time today, and it was really great.  While I was swimming in the pool (while the girl who talks to herself sat in the hot tub, talking to herself) I began thinking about life and what kinds of things I live my life for: what do I live my life in the name of?  I mean, it is easy to say the things we want to live our lives for, and even easier to acknowledge the things we think we ought to live for... but when we cut trim the wishywashy away, what is left?  The fear that I keep running from is that if I cut the wishywashy out of my life, that there would be little left to count.  Am I a fool who thinks that I am more than I am?

I floated there in my pool while talks-to-herself-girl blabbled (I made that word up, it is "blab + babbled") incoherences on and on, and it got me thinking even more.  Maybe I am no different than this girl.  Maybe I am confused and lost.

For so long I believed in my heart that the only thing worth living life for was to be in love.  I defined my life by whether of not there was a girl in my life that I was in love with, but then I got to this point where I realized how unfulfilling -- and inconsistent -- this was.  I rationalized at times that I was living an incomplete life because I wasn't married or didn't have a girlfriend.  I feel so duped.

The only love that I can define my life by is Christ's, and only through that love will I ever know or share love with anyone else.  I have been living my life for the wrong things.  While I lived my life in the name of love, love became an idol that steered my thoughts away from God, and the only thing that lured my eyes back to God was his perfect and untarnishable love.

I thought living alone was with a girl to love was a fate worse than death, but I realized I am hardly alone.  God put into place around me a tremendous group of friends who care about me, and their love is the kind of love I think God really wants me to live my life for.  I've said it a few times, but today I really mean it, I don't need a girlfriend to be happy... and I don't need one to make me broke--I seem to do quite well getting broke for myself... but thank the Lord I am out of school and actually have time to work now!

I really like what I said just a moment ago:  "While I lived my life in the name of love, love became an idol that steered my thoughts away from God."  Even though I believe the scripture "God is love," I got so wrapped up in the passion of loving a woman I do not know yet that I neglected the one who makes love possible and worthy of living for. 

Words of Relient K wisdom:

that's not the way, I want to live.

i need to change

yeah something's got to give

if home is where you heart is

then my home is with you

What am I living my life for?  I am living my life in the name of freedom, and it has rarely felt so good.

RARE HONESTY

I find great wisdom in the poetry of C.S Lewis, reiterated again by Blue Like Jazz author, Donald Miller:

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all my friends to serve my every turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek --

But, self imprisoned, always end where I begin.

I am not attempting to copy Donald Miller's prose, but I think he evaluated the poem perfectly when he confesses:

"Sometimes I wonder if I am like the parrot in Lewis' poem, swinging in my cage, reciting Homer, all the while having no idea what I was saying.  I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice... altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart?  The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasuring myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy.  Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one.  Me."

The words of these two great thinkers sum up how I feel very adequately.  I sit here every day wondering how my life makes any difference in this world, but I never stop to even ask myself what I have done to make it important.  All of my thoughts are centered on me, and how often do I catch myself centering my life on what others can do for me?  How can I be a person who claims to care and love others, when I haven't done a single thing my whole life to trick God that I am.  God sees right through my lazy heart, because he will never be fooled.  At this moment, I am not that person I want to be, nor am I the person I thought I was.

I talk of love, I talk of trusting God, I talk of great adventures... my greatest adventure this week was walking down my street.  I am duped into believing this bliss is not really a state of idle folly.  Miller puts it perfectly when he writes that maybe Satan's plans are not to trick us into doing the wrong things, but tricking us into idleness, where we accomplish nothing.  That is exactly where I am right now.  Idle.

Whenever I honestly sit down and write how I feel, I always have this overwhelming responsibility to write "what I ought to write."  As if taking a moment to be upset with God is only allowable for a half second, and has to be immediately followed by songs of joy.  Every time I right I find myself immediately pressed to make my last paragraphs redemptive.  I was always afraid that taking time to be honest was in some way a time of weakness, a moment of selfishness.  In this world full of pain and hurt, how can my feelings compare?  I dupe myself into believing that there is nothing important about me worth being truly honest about, but I now realize this is infinitely more destructive.  By denying my ability to feel and to be truly honest with myself, I am denying that I am important to God--and that he didn't make me in his image.  Add blasphemer to my resume of personal adjectives.

From now on no more sugar-coating, and no more feeding myself these lies that I can't be honest about how I feel.  No more redemptive ending to everything I write, unless of course it is because I have experienced something redeeming.

So as look into my mirror I see myself with the mask off.  I am a scared man with big dreams and fleeting hopes.  I always seem to know what is right to do, but rarely do it.  The most important person in my life is me, and the second most important person in my life, whoever he/she is, I have left little room for.  I crave adventure so much because I never feel its presence, and I fool myself into thinking that pain is a wonderfully necessary contrast that makes life sweeter.  I cannot claim I love God with all my heart because to do so would be a lie, and I am tired of telling God it isn't so.  More over, I am sick of telling myself it is so, but if I had one wish... it would be that my intimacy with God would be insatiable.  In my heart the only truth I really know is that my biggest desire is to be so in love with God.  I want to be in that place where God is all I need, my soul's sufficiency, my strength when I am weak... you get the picture.

If you're still reading this, thank God you're in my life.

I am desperate, confused, shaken and stirred, downtrodden, discouraged, bound, selfish, and idle.  That resume of adjectives is starting to really fill up.  If touting freedom is my crux, then why are these chains so thick?  My only ironic hope is that maybe these chains are so heavy because they need to be, for weaker chains could not hold down a mighty man.  That is my hope at least, that I am a mighty man.

I am starting to really see true freedom, and starting to really deal with the issues of what is means to by myself.  I guess the scriptures put it best:  the truth shall set you free.  For me, acting on the truth of who I am sets me free, but as of this moment I have yet to act, I am merely realizing what that truth is.

The only person my idleness enkindles pleasure in is Satan.  My prayer is that God finds pleasure in my potential to overcome, because right now I know that, like Donald Miller writes, I am Hitler, and if anyone saw the torrent of my heart, only God could disagree.

God, fill me with passion that will overcome my idleness.  I am no longer comfortable living as I am.  Make me honest, and give me your powerful wisdom.  Make me a man who loves with actions and words, and let it all come in an adventure worth living my entire life.

OH ME OF LITTLE FAITH

Here I am, sitting here trying to justify why I feel sorry for myself,
and then I realize how little faith I have. I have been doubting God
and his big plans for me. I'm tired of doing that.

I know God has the best of this world in store for me, and it is time
I live like I believe it.

DEFEAT IS TODAY'S THEME

I feel defeated, and the sad things is I wish I would have put up more
of a fight.

Maybe I am completely wrong, but unless I am mistaken, my time was
worth nothing if not barely a little more.

I guess all I am asking, is for one damn moment in my life where I
might be given the blessing and fortune to finish first. I do not
curse God, and I am thankful for the blessings I do have, I am just
not myself right now as I think about how this makes me feel.
Jealousy is not befitting me, but for some reason I am tempted to give
in as all those lies I wanted to believe seem to have a little more
credit to them (read LIES AND PRAYERS -- March 07, 2008).

And I am left again desiring what I do not, will not, and for some
reason cannot seem to have.

Yet in some way, it makes life taste sweeter. Even the bitter moments
of life enhance my understanding of what it means to live fully, and I
revel in the fact that heartache gives me hope of better things to
come. With a hope and a prayer, perhaps God will smile on me soon
enough.

YET LIFE CARRIES ONWARD

How can we live free in a world where death is the inevitable destiny
we all face? For the past year I have tried to live out a life where
freedom is the credo by which I shape my life, but every day I have to
relearn what that truly means. It all seems so pointless when a
friend passes, yet life carries on. What does this infer about living
a life of freedom? Am I free from sadness? By all means, no. But is
sadness not a force that binds us in so many ways?

For me, I try to take encouragement in the knowledge I have of the
truth that there is more than this world. Where "moth and rust do not
destroy." Someday there will be no more hurt, no more sadness, nor
death nor illness will be capable of causing the pain now felt. There
are times where I find myself angry amidst sadness, and I try my best
to reconcile freedom and joy with pain and hurt. The scriptures say
blessed are those who morn, so I doubt God wants to send us a muddied
and mixed message.

I'm reminded of the worship song many of us know:

I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned
struck down but not destroyed, I am blessed beyond this curse
for his promises I endure, his joys going to be my strength
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain,
I am laying them down, for the joy of the Lord.

If there is anything I have learned, there is a time for everything.
There is a time for mourning and a time for joy. What a life of
freedom means to me is that I know the joy to come, and that sets me
free from letting my heart fill with darkness. So while my heart
mourns, it will not be overrun by these demons, but will instead by
filled with the joy of the Lord who gives me strength, and by his hand
-- one day -- there will be more sadness.

K, May your body rest in peace, but your soul dance in heaven forever.

CELEBRATING LOVE: MATT'S WEDDING

So I know it's almost a week late, but I wanted to write about Matt's wedding and all the fun that was:

Cody and I drove up friday night with Joey and Greg in his truck.  The drive felt good, and it was nice to see, briefly, a part of California that I wasn't very familiar with (which isn't much considering I've been up and down this ol state and study maps of it all the time).  It really is a beautiful state.

We arrived at the rehearsal dinner, very late, but met all the family and it was pretty nice.  We then tried to take Matt to Dave & Busters for a bachelor party, but we had some i.d. trouble (which was absolutely stupid since we were of age).  So what do you do when you can't go to Dave and Busters?  We went bowling.  It was actually more fun than it sounds.  We had a few drinks, but it was just good fun being with Matt on his last night as a single gentleman.

When we got back to the apartment, Anders was there, so it was good to see him and hang out since he's been working in Stockton for a month.  We got to bed late because we were talking and having fun.  The funniest phrase from that night: "surprise, I'm inside of you!"  (Yeah, it's probably exactly what you're thinking).

The next day we woke up and drove over to the church where he was getting married, Saratoga Federated, which is a beautiful church where he is the Jr. High Youth Pastor.  We had some fun, got dressed up, took pictures, and then got ready for the ceremony.  Us groomsmen were sharp and dapper, let me tell you what!  The ceremony started as we walked in and what a privilege that was.  I felt so honored that Matt would ask me to stand at his wedding... and we did plenty of standing, and I wish I had packed some gels for the shoes or something because I was positive I was going to pass out.

When Kelly, the bride came in, they both started crying and I got this real feeling inside that this was real love.  As her father walked her down the isle to the front and then stood there, I watched Matt, between tears, whisper "I love you so much."  What a beautiful couple, and as the ceremony went on I felt even more in love with the fact that these two were in love, and it made me long for a love of my own.  After they kissed and exited, the wedding court proceeded out and into a back room where they signed the license and made the sucker official in the eyes of the law.  Then we went back inside the sanctuary to take pictures for a long time, which was nice because I had down time to rehearse my wedding toast.

Then we proceeded to the reception in the courtyard and HAD A BLAST.  I can't tell you how much fun that was.  We danced for a long time to the best and most ridiculous songs.  Who doesn't love La Macareña?  The dancing was insanely fun, and we had a great time.  Anders, Greg, and I danced with some girls we didn't know and they were really cool.  I danced with the cutest blonde girl named Abby, and she was a doll!  She probably thought I was just a dork, but it was all fun.

Then, without any notice, it was suddenly time to give the toast.  For some reason I thought I was going to get a warning or something, but suddenly it was time to get in front of all these people I didn't know to try to say something meaningful without stuttering and looking like a idiot.  As I took the microphone and pulled out my script, I could hear Joey mumbling "don't do it geoffry!" (in response to the way I almost started off the toast).  I gave him the a'ok and then waited for a miserably long time in front of them all for the cider glasses to be passed out.  Finally I started my speech and it seemed to go over very well which was great!  I tried to mix in some jokes, a funny story, and some really "hearty" stuff, and it seemed to be a good mixture.  I told the story about him catching me breaking curfew in Bowles 2 years ago.  I kinda changed the story a bit to make it funnier, but I didn't bend any details, just left a few out, but it was really good.  I got a lot of compliments and heard a lot of laughs, which is always a good thing.  Maybe they were just being nice ;)

Then, more dancing, and what fun it was!  We went crazy.  Later, the bride's mom personally thanked me for making the party.  That was really kind, but I just couldn't think of a wedding without fun.  Like all good things, it came to an end as we sent them off, and how cool that was.  They had a final dance in the center of everyone as millions of bubbles danced around them (and were then subsequently blown into my face), and then we ran them to their car and watched them drive off.  After some cleanup and other stuff, it was south to Capitola to hang out with Joe, Ryan "Rhino", and Dino Citti (Joey's family).  Praise God for that man, Joe, and his hospitality.  God gave him a gift, a gift to cook.  The next day we took off and came home to Oakley.

Oakley seems to get better and better every time I got there.  When I was young it seemed like the most boring place ever, but now I see that there are tons of things to do, and I wish I had more time there to just relax and kayak around in my back yard.  The delta is a great place for the adventurer-poet-soul like me.

I painted for a few days, and then flew back from Oakland yesterday.  It was great seeing Stacy Champine randomly at the airport.  God made that woman special, is there a more lovely person in this world?

Well, my words for Matt are this:  enjoy every minute of your life.  Every minute is a worthy of celebration, and every tear of sadness is a moment to remember that God made you for great things, and for the best of this world.  Keep your wife happy and you'll be happy too, and if ever you need anything, remember that you've got friends like us who care about you and love you.  Remember that God's love makes all other love complete.  Love you Matty Bleckly.

IT IS NO MYSTERY

Am I really on the verge of setting sail towards my next big
adventure, or am I still poised to idly sit on the shore waiting for
my voyage to begin? There is no way of knowing what lies ahead, but I
can bravely dream of the treasures that await me just over the not so
distant horizon. Everything I feel in my heart seems to be telling me
that something great is going to happen soon, and it will lead to
blessings beyond anything I have ever tried to imagine.

I find myself not distracted by cheap imitation, and the thought of
accepting the second best has given up its plot to lure me away from
God's promises. God has the very best of this world in store for me,
and while the price is heavy compared to the substitutes, I am ready
to live an exceptional life full of hope, love, greatness, and a life
of dreams come true. Passionately, I consider the endeavor of living
to be the most spectacular road ahead of me.

I find myself in love. In love with so many things. In love with
God, in love with adventure, in love with life, and in love with my
future wife--whoever she might be. I find myself already praising God
for the woman she is. I consider myself blessed beyond measure, and
one day soon you will stand next to me and know that God is in our
ears whispering "this is good."

It is no mystery. My God loves me, and he has very big plans for me--
plans that keep me faithfully working towards that treasure that
awaits me. As my smile stretches across my face, I realize God has
given me a tremendous gift already, and what a great gift that is:
Words.

God, all praise belongs to you, O' master of this world.

IS PEACE POSSIBLE?

There are whispers of a hope that is yet to come. There are so many
people in this world who are poised and ready to secure the peace of
this world, and there are so many people passionate about making peace
a reality. If there is anything I know that is true though, peace is
not truly possible.

How can peace be possible in a world where even the those who seek
peace can't be peaceful? I just watched a video of cambodian buddhist
monks marching on their government's capital to peacefully protest
their treatment, but then got involved in a scuffle with a rival monk
sect. What is this world coming to when buddhist monks can't even be
peaceful?

This is not the only example of this great irony. Consider those who
protested the Iraq war and were arrested. They were not arrested
because they were protesting, but because they were being too violent.

This is a world full of stupid people. We live in a world of eco-
terrorists who burn down houses in Oregon (without realizing that they
are polluting the air). How can people be so foolish? Also, consider
those middle-school girls in florida who kidnapped a classmate and
beat her within an inch of her life, and then posted the video of it
on youtube. How stupid can you get? --And while I ask, I know the
answer is "a lot."

I would love peace, if only it were possible. It is an unrealistic
dream because we live in a world full of HUMANS. As long as we humans
are around, there will never be true and worldwide peace. If monks
can't even get along, can anyone?

ADVENTURE

Considering all of the changes that I have happened to me over the last two years, it seems fair to say that graduation has had little change on my life, but the importance of this milestone has struck me in a way I did not think it would.  Here I am now, at the doorstep of the future, wondering what this wild and crazy ride has for me.  What adventures lie in my immediate path?  I hesitate for only a moment to think, because the excitement to shove-off and set sail is so strong that I will trip if I do not watch myself.

Graduation was amazing, as was my last finals week.  The anticipation at Convocation was incredible and so palpable that I thought I might rip apart my robe and yell "see ya!"  I spent my day before Commencement packing, swimming, hanging out with family, attending the Department of Theatre, Film and Television reception, and finally walking into the stadium at sunset, sweetly nestled under the San Gabriel mountains... how could anything be as beautiful as this in southern California?

Commencement was a blur in retrospect.  It was over almost as quickly as it begun.  I sat with Kellen, Jon, Anders, Cody, Chadwick, Dominic, Sean, and our girls were all in the row behind us.  It was exactly all the people I wanted close to me during this pivotal moment--and while a few people were not there to share it with me, I cannot wait for it to be their turn.  We sang, we laughed, and our smiles danced in the magical hour of light that comes as the sun sets over the western sky.  I keep picturing every moment of it, captured in little polaroid pictures that linger in my mind as I tightly cling to them for fear of losing them.  These precious moments make us human, make us alive, and remind me that as all great things come to an end, the possibilities of the next adventure are endlessly elegant.

After graduation I went to my graduation party to meet up with my family and friends.  The party was great.  All of us graduates had a special box of notes prepared for us by our parents (and brooke), a special collage of pictures from our time at APU, and a signing "wall" for each of us.  There was food, family, friends, and fun... how great is that!  The best part was the toast at the end where my graduating friends and I gathered in the center of the area.  The love and the excitement was anything but normal.  We gathered there in the center of that place, and that was where I really graduated.  In that moment I graduated from one person into another, and the man I am now is so completely different.  Before I understood the power of friendship and community, but in this moment I experienced and discovered the commitment of community.

It is funny to see how different my priorities are.  Through all the girlfriends, jobs, friends, projects, studies and everything else my priorities have been on doing what was best for me and had my best interests in mind, but for some reason now I care most about serving my friends diligently, and while I have no idea what that looks like now, rest assured I'll discover it soon.

Since graduation I have been moving into my new apartment in Glendale, CA... just a few miles away from the Hollywood sign.  I see big things in my future, and I plan to take this town by storm.  You shouldn't expect anything less, I'm here to change the world.

Praise God for the adventures to come.

ROCK BOTTOM

I've hit rock bottom. My film was not selected by the APU TFT faculty
to be in the premiere. From what I understand I had content related
issues, but maybe something else? I am upset by this turn of events,
and I feel as though today is the worst day of my life.

LIES AND PRAYERS

The ten lies I have been tempted to believe today:

1.  There is nothing good about me.

2.  No one should ever like me.

3.  I'm not worth anyone's time.

4.  I will fail

5.  Love fails, miserably.

6.  God has no plans for me.

7.  I was created miserably.

8.  There is something truly wrong with me.

9.  I will never be pleasing to God

10.  There is no hope for me.

I look at this list and realize that it is not even an exhaustive list of the lies I have been tempted to believe in this very day.  The sad thing about all of these is that if I search hard enough I am sure I can find enough evidence to support them.

But Lord, I am amazed by you.

These are all lies.

These lies will never have power to sway me, for I was created by a God who loves me and cares for me.  Not only does he care for me a little, but he cares for me a lot; in great big ways I will never be able to understand.  He loves me deeply, and that will always keep me well in those times where our lives fall to despair.

God has great and big surprises for me, and I can't wait to see what those surprises are.

God, I believe in you are watching over me and keeping me in your care.  Provide for me your plans in great and glorious ways that will shake my weak attempts to define your glories.  Bless me richly, give me wisdom, and make me thirst for more of you. Amen.

WISDOM, WORD!

"Nothing makes God laugh like our plans!"

HäAGEN DAZS® SEX

People ask me what I learn in "sex" class... so I want to share some
words of wisdom from my Christian Values and Human Sexuality class
taught by Professor Mike Platter. This is really powerful,
insightful, and truth-filled.

"Häagen Dazs® will never lose business to the poop cone."

Let's consider this metaphor and how it deals with sexuality. If
Häagen Dazs® is the best ice cream in the world, which in many
people's opinion is a fact, then as the best of the best they never
have to worry about losing any of their business to an unattractive
competitor, i.e. the poop cone. Who want's a poop cone when they can
have something enjoyable and good, something that is the best.

Sexuality is similar. A simple truth about our God is that he wants
us to have the best of the best when it comes to how we put our
sexuality into practice. God wants us to have a Häagen Dazs®
sexuality because he loves us. Our Häagen Dazs® sexuality though will
never be jeopardized by an unattractive competitor for the best of the
best. We will never been tempted into having poop cone sexuality.

Where then does Satan get his grip into our lives? By trying to
attract us into getting something that is second best and less
expensive... say Dryers Ice cream. The taste is similar but not quite
Häagen Dazs® quality, but it is less expensive. It is sometimes
easier to settle for less than the best if what we are settling for
comes at a cheaper price.

You guess it, our sexuality is similar. Satan knows the poop-cone
won't work, so he tries to get us to settle for second best. Satan
doesn't want us to have what is best because that brings us closer to
God, and loses a battle for him. God does plan for us to have the
best of the best when it comes to our sexuality, but it also comes
with a significant price. Are we man/woman enough to pay up, or will
we settle for what is second best?

When we get married, we are not suddenly blessed with sexuality.
Sexuality is something developed and present over our entire life.
Our sexual practice (i.e. intercourse) is a different story, but one
this remains the same, God wants us to have Häagen Dazs® sex, and lots
of it.

What is the best of the best? Marriage. It is the ultimate act of
love and commitment to the richness of our lives that makes sex the
best of the best. Sex before that commitment will never be as good as
sex within marriage because the commitment has not been exercised,
even if the partners have been committed for several years and never
married.

There are a lot of "chastity, virginity, abstinence" campaigns out
there, but many of them miss this point in order to shame sexuality,
suppress it, or spread misinformation about it. In the end many of
these campaigns do more harm than good. Why is this new approach so
good? Because it focuses on the richness of scripture, sexuality,
theology, and marriage to present information for why we should
recognize that Satan is trying to fool us into having second best
sexuality, and who really wants that? The answer is actually many
people, because it comes at a cheaper cost. I however, think Häagen
Dazs® sounds pretty tasty to me, and I don't mind splurging the extra
cash for the extra flavor.

I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

As the infamous Beetles' Song goes... "I get by with a little help from my friends!"  It is funny how these words are so powerful and true except for the fact that we don't even realize it.

My whole life I have beat into thinking that my salvation comes from a relationship with Christ as a personal relationship between me and Jesus.  How wrong is that, and how many people in this world do not understand it either?  I know, that sounds ridiculous, and it is.  Let me say that I do believe that being a Christian is about having a personal relationship with Christ--but we're forgetting about one of the most important dimensions of what it means to be a true Christian.

As many of us grow up in the Church we are told who we can and can't be friends with, and that we need to confine ourselves to a lonely life as a Christian because we are not to be "of the world."  To many people this message sounds like a call to solitude, to confinement, to isolation from the world and the people who populate it.  This is one of the biggest lies that Satan has ever had the pleasure to encourage.

I think the largest critique of my faith right now is the lack of people who understand the element of COMMUNITY and it's implications for how our faith is practiced.  The word "community" is the buzz-word of theology, often called the "integrative motif," meaning that everything that we know and can study about God boils down to one thing: community (relationship).  To illuminate my point: the relationship between God and his people is a communal relationship.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son" (John 3:16).  God loved the world, and as a member of the world that loves him back that means I am a part of that community that loves God.  So why do so many Christians think that their relationship with God excludes their relationship with their neighbors?

One time at a lunch I told my friends that I don't think you can love God if you hate the people around you.  They shot me down.  One was a Pastor's Kid, and it was totally shocking to me that they disagreed with me, together.  Here I am thinking that this makes common sense, but these two tried to explain to me that I was mistaken.  Well, the truth is that I was not mistaken, but I didn't fight back because I knew it wasn't worth my time.

It's true though.  How can you love God but hate hate people around you?  I can understand thinking you love God, but if there is any hate in your heart, can you authentically claim to love God?  First of all, God asks you to love everyone, even your enemies.

Sorry for going so far astray, what I really wanted to write was that I think we are missing out on a beautiful dimension of our relationship with Christ, and that is via our relationship with each other.  I think that when we love each other, that love is the same love that we have for God, and in fact, I think that any love that is healthy and directed towards people in a way that does not promote idolatry could be considered an act of worship and reverence.  God is love people, and how can that love be in our hearts if we fill it with hate?  How can we experience that love if we are not in community with people who understand it and show it?

I get by with a little help form my friends.  For me this is so true.  I can't do anything without the love of my friends.  Their encouragement, support, love, and affection keep me afloat, and I know this is because they have the love of Christ in their hearts.  So I praise God for my friends, they really understand the grace and love of our wonderful Father.

DEFEATED

Of course I was a fool for thinking that the best of days would be
followed by anything other than the worst of days. I pray for
blessings and I get disaster. Why is it that the most pitiful moments
of our existence are the moments that immediately follow the our
greatest? This balancing act is ridiculous. Yesterday's thoughts
included my maxim that it is good to be alive, but today's theme is
defeat--for that is all I feel right now.

I just want one moment of honesty to not feel guilty about calling out
bullshit. Bullshit is having some of the best days of your life and
the very next moment being on a trolly that struck that poor girl.
Bullshit is being stuck on that trolly for 40 minutes having to watch
them try to save this girl. The crazy thing is that I go between
moments where I am upset and moments where I feel so unnerved that I
want to care less. I suppose my proximity to the situation predicts a
lot of my feelings, but I am still just really impacted by how fragile
life is, and for some reason I am not as optimistic as I was
yesterday--and this makes me feel defeated. God help me.

I feel defeat creep into my life in nearly everything else I am
involved in as well. Defeat in work, defeat in relationships, defeat
in health... I just feel so defeated right now that I fear I might
stink of it.

Then the sun rises and it dawns on me: have I not already conquered
this? The answer is a resounding Yes! I have found freedom from the
sting of not only death, but freedom from those forces that seek to
turn my heart sour to the Lord. I am not defeated, I am not
finished. These stings may hurt, but they are attempts of desperation
from an evil that has nowhere to hide.

Defeat sucks and I know it, but I am not and will not be defeated.

I will continue trusting. I will continue believing that God has a
plan for me and for this life I so courageously want to live. I pray
for blessings, and blessings I do receive. I still feel the hurt, but
that only makes this whole thing more worth it. This world is not an
easy water to navigate, but I have a God who lights the way for me.

God, bless me and put your desires close to my heart. Continue giving
me a taste of your kingdom and continue to produce fruit through my
life. Use me for your will father, so that you may be pleased by the
gentleness of my heart and my willingness to boldly go to the ends of
this world for you. Give me peace, give me rest, give me wisdom, and
give me a love that abounds in your righteousness and rejoices in the
truth you've so expertly breathed.

IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE

I am so simply in awe of life right now, and one thing that stands out
so clearly to me is that it is good to be alive. It really is just
good to be alive right now. So often we think about how the world is
at war, how people are dying everywhere, and so many other horrible
things--but we never stop to look around and see how beautiful a thing
it is to have life at all. If there was one way I could end all wars
and sin, I wish it would be that the world would learn to love the
beauty of life. If the whole world stopped for a moment long enough
to see how great it all is, this world would be a different place.

I'm just a happy person this week I guess.

The funny thing is I am scared sh!+less about life, but at the same
time I am so excited for all of it. There is so much opportunity
around the next few corners and I can't wait to take my next few
breaths.

There is so much for me to write, so much for me to say, so much for
me to do, so much for me to sing, but I just want to step back and say
it's good to be alive, it's good to be alive.

It's good to be alive.
It's good to be alive.
It's perfect to be loved.

IN*VENTURE

I love that my latest adventure has been exploring who I am, and not
to be egotistical, but I like what I'm finding.

Yesterday I finally did what I have been wanting to do for quite a
long time: I told Sarah my feelings for her. If you believe that this
was a momentous event in my life then we will of course agree.
Telling Sarah that I had strong feelings of attraction for her was
exactly what I needed to do, and now that it is over I feel a
tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders (notice that I did not say
burden). I am so pleased with this decision that I have been smiling
since, and for some strange reason I find myself overwhelmingly excited.

I brought her over to give her a cheap Valentine's Day card I had made
her. I made up some story about making one for all my gal-pals
because I didn't want to break the ice quite so soon, but after a few
minutes of small talk I finally decided that the timing was perfect
for me to spill. We were small talking, as I said, and I looked right
at her and she was absolutely stunning. I said "Sarah, I like you"
and as I took a short breath to continue speaking but she piped in
"awe Geoff I like you too..." and it killed me. She meant it as a
friend, and I didn't (it made me laugh, not sad)--but I jumped right
back with "no, but I mean I have a crush on you, I am really attracted
to you." I watched her face for the slightest bit of discomfort, but
she was all smiles and was very surprised. Thank God it was Sarah
that I like because any other girl would have made the situation so
awkward, but not her. She was so easy with the whole thing and very
understanding. I continued to spill my guts about everything and I
made sure she knew there was no pressure on her and that she wasn't
going to lead me on because immaturity like that has no place for a
growing young man like me!

The outcome was not the one I had hoped for, but definitely the one I
had expected. My only concern is making sure that she won't feel
uncomfortable around me, and won't feel like she needs to watch
herself around me for fear of hurting me. I hope and believe she
understands that all will be just fine.

I come down now to the question of: "where do I go from here?"
Seriously though; what now? I told her my feelings about her and I am
glad I did because it was something we both knew about but had never
spoken of, but what do I do now? I suppose I will just keep on doing
what I have been doing: trusting in God. I don't know what's going to
happen, and if I had to take a guess I would probably say nothing, but
these things are unknowable and mysterious. Do I wait around for her
to probably never like me--or do I try to get over these feelings in
my heart? Neither are very wise I would say. Where is the line
between trusting God and taking action into our own hands? The last
thing I want to be is untrusting, but I would hate to be idle just as
much.

For the moment I just revel in the excitement of doing something that
only happens a few times in life (for me at least). I can only hope
that I have handled it like a man, and that God is pleased by my
faithfulness. I have felt his encouragement to speak up: not in any
direction or to any end, but just to be brave and do it. I have
learned so much already, and I can only imagine what blessings God has
for me ahead. Bless me richly, Father!

ANOTHER CLIFF

Over the summer I discovered my love for jumping off cliffs into deep
pools of water. It's the adventurer in me that loves taking the risk,
despite the fact that I am scared as hell the whole time. Every time
I approach the edge I find myself shaking at the knees wondering If
I'll commit or not.

Amber Rosemoon said "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather
the judgement that something is more important than fear."

I think that is one of the truest statements to ever reach my ears,
and for that matter, circulate through my blood like oxygen. It is so
true. Sometimes in life there are things so important for us to do
that we act in despite of fear, not without it. Fear puts things into
perspective, fear makes us realize the things we hold true, those we
love, and reasons we care.

I find myself standing at a new cliff, and though this one is not made
of stone, the leap may be further and have consequences greater than I
have seen or predicted. I'm the kind of person who calculates then
reacts. I analyze, I think, I write, I question, and I calculate
every angle, every avenue or consequence that will result from the
leaps that I take.

This new cliff seems so high, but the one thing tantamount to my
courage is my trust in God. I'm still confused, but I know he is in
control. When I say I am going to trust God I mean it, and while
there are times I get sick of reminding myself to do so, here I am
again committing myself to the Father who has the best of this world
for me. For me the result of the risk I take is not the point, but
rather the fact that I challenged myself to leap at all. I know how
this is going to end, it is not a surprise or an uncertainty. I
simply must because sometimes the whole journey is taking the leap.

... of faith.

The greatest cliffs lay ahead, right on the horizon.

STORIES OF BEING REAL

As I layed on my couch Late Sunday night softly strumming some melody
that seemed so primordial, so "apart" of me that it seamed to be of my
very essence, I began talking to God about the things I have come to
fear the most. You see, the funniest thing is that I constantly
reminded that when I need God the most, he is always there to comfort
me and guide my weary soul to safe harbour.

As I layed there I was reminded of the saying that no matter what,
there is always someone on this Earth thinking about you and loving
you. As I layed there contemplating the merrit of such a statement I
immediately came to the conclusion that it was bullshit. Utter and
complete nonsense, and I found no comfort in it at all. I hated the
idea because I knew that I was alone in that moment, I felt like there
wasn't anyone in the world thinking about me at just that moment. I
felt so utterly and completely alone.

Lately I have been struggling with these feelings of lonliness. They
are the same problems that have kept me in bondage for so long... and
I have been coming closer and closer to knowing true freedom every
time I win a battle. The silly thing is that freedom is immediate, it
is now, it is complete, and it is more than a hope. I keep finding
myself in that rut though, where I'll believe any lie told to me, and
the biggest one I sometimes put credit in is the one lie that is
designed to make me feel alone, and unloved.

I considered the fact that if no one in the world was thinking about
me at that moment, I must be terribly lonesome. The feelings sank in
and then I gave it up to God to remind me of his glory, his comfort,
his strength to heal. I never knew it would come so immediatly.

The very next day, in the afternoon, I came home and had sat down for
barely a few minutes when Blake and Amanda stopped by. Routine
visit? No... Amanda had made me sugar cookies, and then spilled her
heart out to me that God has been putting it on her heart to pray for
me for the past two weeks. I almost cried. She had told Blake about
her, even called her mom, and she had no idea that I was going through
this time of lonliness! God bless Amanda and Blake. This comfort
came at a time when I needed it most. The most touching part of the
story was that she had written me a note letting me know how this had
all come to her, and how thankful she was that I played a part in her
coming to APU, and how it has radically improved her life.

I went from feeling like a tiny island alone at sea to a man whose
appreciation for God's providence and timing could never be
understated. Thank you God, for everything you are, everything you
do, and thank you for loving me.

Thank you God, for reminded me that you made me special and that you
never made me to believe I was alone. You made me to breath freedom
with every breath, and I am so thankful for your miracles.

And thank you, for real friends like Amanda and Blake. I am so
blessed by them and the rest of my close circle.

PURITY RING WOES

The other evening while hanging out with some friends the topic arose among some RWOGs (that's "respectable woman of God,"  to quote a now infamous Clause opinion article from last semester) about the appropriate timing during their wedding ceremony (or the evening's activities) to remove their Purity ring.  As the conversation evolved I was really surprised by the answers some of my female were suggesting.

One girl suggested that she would remove her purity ring right before the wedding ring was placed on her finger during the wedding ceremony.  Yet another girl posited that she would remove her purity ring right before engaging in coitus (sexual intercourse) on her wedding night.  A guy in the conversation, whom is completely fictional as I have totally made him up for the sake of making a good story with care for the balance of fairness for women and men... then said "Bro, I am going to leave my purity ring on until after I am finished with my first night of sex with my wife."  A female replied to him "Hey you!  That's disrespectful to the whole idea of having a purity ring in the first place, you're only supposed to wear it while you are still pure."  The views of these people summarize many Christian ideas of purity, but what isn't surprising to me is that few realize what's wrong with them.

Ladies, gentlemen--if you wear a "purity ring" then I have a special message for you:  You can leave your purity ring on forever if you want... as long as your spouse is the only person you have sex with while you are married.

What is impure, unclean, or unwholesome about having sex with your partner that you have been united with by God?  Many Christians seem to be forgetting that sex (and sexuality for that matter) were created by God as a gift to us.  If we truly believe God made sex good... why do we fear (and often condemn) our sexuality?  Why are we so afraid to even talk about sex?  -Sticky issue, I know!  ;)

One of my favorite activities is attending past "Sex 101" a.k.a "Sex and Chocolate/Candy/Brownies/*insert food name" meetings.  I'm not "a creepy single APU male" (*callback to earlier quoted source), but I go because I like the reality check I get when I realize how misguided people are, on both sides of the table.  We are so ignorant.  You'd think that as know-it-all Christians, people should be coming to us for advice on healthy sexuality!  Yet we only know how to repeat the line "don't have a sexual thought until you're married" (which incidentally happens to be terrible advice).

The thing that surprises me the most about these events is how we always reject the message of people trying to set us free from Satan's bonds.  To quote the often rejected Dr. Steve Gerali, "Satan doesn't take bad things and make them look good, sometimes he takes good things and makes them look bad."  It breaks my hearts to see how we invite Satan into our lives thinking it is for God's glory.  The sad thing is that God has given us this great gift for us to enjoy in our marriages, but most people have been so brainwashed "for the kingdom" into thinking that sex is bad that they will live their entire lives missing the point.

Whether we like it or not we all have our own sexuality to take responsibility for as we discover, enjoy, and worship God with it.  Let's worship God by changing to desire what makes God happiest: his children living in freedom by truth.  It's not hard...... THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

FOR SO MUCH MORE

We were made for so much more
I was made for so much more.

Why is it that I so often feel overlooked? Why is it that I sometimes
wish my strengths were as loud and as vocal as others'? I ask myself
why all my greatest attributes are so internal while others get to be
recognized. There are dark times for me when I measure myself against
what the world loves and adores, and while I recognize the futility in
the whole thing, why is it that I still desire to be wanted, desired,
appreciated, and adored as much as everyone else? This isn't a
struggle with the way I look or the way I act, it's a struggle with
the fact that I feel like I am nearly worthless in most people's
sight. Could this be that I see a figment of truth, or am I just
failing to recognize my friends in a moment of an encouragement dry-
spell?

I don't want to sit here and b.s. right now, but I believe that this
is all easily resolved by the fact that I am searching for freedom.
The world, especially satan, wants me to keep me in bondage to my own
corrupted self image, and would do everything in his power to keep me
from recognizing the awesome and powerful truth: I am perfectly made
by a God who loves me, and there is nothing about me that is
disappointing. There is nothing about me that is disappointing. It's
not that I must tell myself this twice to believe it, but I tell
myself twice to dwell in it's powerful truth.

God has made me special, inside and out. Doubting that is the same as
doubting his love.