WHY OH WHY?

Something I have realized among some certain friends is that our
relationship is so one sided. It is always me who does all of the
encouraging, all of the supporting, all of the work in these
friendships is the work that I put into it and I am getting quite sick
and tired of it. I feel like I am wasting my time. I am constantly
trying to be this nice guy to certain people, and I go out of my way
to be kind, generous, uplifting, encouraging, noticing change,
involved, and so much more--but all I ever get back is _______.
That's just it. It's not that I don't get anything back, I don't need
reward or immediate reciprocation of love, but honestly, I am getting
tired of friends who are too involved with themselves or others and
don't care to even be a good fellow in this community of friendship I
have around me. It's not that I don't get anything at all back, it's
that my love goes completely unnoticed.

Granted, this is a very small population of people I am so irritated
with, but it is still just so hard for me. I am just frustrated
because I feel like I have poured my heart out into a few, one in
particular, and got shafted in the whole situation. Silly girl.

INTO YOU

Oh Lord I'm strong in you,
Oh Lord I'm wise in you,
Oh Lord I can see in you,
So I will overcome,
yes I will overcome.

These words of inspiration are guiding me right now. I am used to
feeling so weak, but something that God wants me to learn, understand,
and exemplify is that I have strength because the power of God dwells
in me. I will overcome all trials, all tribulations, all this world's
pain because I have a light in me that will linger on forever through
the darkness.

Stir in me a fire that the world cannot explain
I've come to worship you.
Stir in me a passion that my heart cannot contain
I've come to worship you

So hold me, break me, mold me and make me more like you
I've come to worship you.
To love you, fear you, and draw ever near you as I worship you
I've come to worship you.

My prayer - God at times I feel so empty, so lonely, as I let the
darkness creep around, and I realize I've been trying to fill my heart
with all the wrong things that fail to sustain me. God fill me up
with your holy spirit and give me wisdom, and a passion for the joys
of your heart. Make me more and more like you, and let my life be a
holy act of worship that is pleasing to your eyes. Let my life be an
example of your radical, redeeming, and restoring love. Bless me with
wisdom, bless me with love, bless me with a heart for justice, and
bless me with your freedom.

Never be afraid to say what you mean, what you really feel. At worst,
you are human and nothing more or less. God understands our pain, our
frustration, our hurt; God is in love with us and I think I like
knowing that God understands me.

I'm all over the place right now, but I guess the important part is
that I know I'm getting into you.

ATONEMENT. BEAUTY.

The human soul screams in desperation to experience beauty.  There is something about aesthetic experiences that just make our hearts dance with a new light, and we are forever changed by the wonderfulness of life.  Art, music, nature, and all the other sources of beauty in this world improves the quality of our life, and right now I feel like I am alive in the thick of it.

I have been searching my computer for the last half hour looking for a document I made where I gave my own definition of what art is, but cannot find it.  Right now it is the one thing in this world I feel like I am terribly missing.  I wish I had it memorized better, but I think it may have gone like this...

Art is the outward and external expression of the inner and internal necessity to create beauty as we strive to bear the image of God.

I just got back from seeing Atonement  and it was beautiful.  It was absolutely stunning to me.  To anyone else it may seem slow, but to me I appreciated everything about it, and I can say that it has changed my life.  It has made my life better because it has provided me an aesthetic experience.  Maybe I sound crazy, but I think heaven will be a lot like this... the ultimate experience of beauty that God has reserved for his kingdom alone.

There is so much beauty in this film.  The lighting, the editing, the story, the sound, the music, it is all so beautifully constructed and easily one of the best films I have ever seen.  As far as beauty, it can sit alongside O' Brother Where Art Thou? on my list of all time favorites.  I recommend it to everyone, because I think that if more people experienced beauty in this world, the people in this world might just be a little bit better off.

Without diving too far into the plot, a young girl must live the rest of her life with the consequences of a mistake she has made.  The whole idea is that she has paid dearly with her life as atonement to what happened.  It made me sad, it hurt me to see this woman hurt, and I just got lost in this world of sadness.  I can't imagine living my whole life with regret, without love, with overwhelming guilt for a mistake made long ago.  I refuse to live my life making mistakes, living in guilt, or swallowing sadness into my belly to fill my emptiness.  By grace and by God's hand, I pray my life may be full and dramatically wonderful.  I want to know and experience the meaning of all this, and perhaps one day, die a brave spark amongst darkness.  Only to be delivered to my God and King on that day of triumphant glory.

I make no excuse now for my words... I find it so hard to be myself sometimes but I finally can say without hesitation that I live my life to experience God and beauty...

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS

The adventure begins for your humble narrator, Geoff Spencer.  A Clockwork Orange allusions aside, for obvious reasons to anyone familiar with that film.  I am equally excited for this new adventure, but I also meet it with that certain anxiety of which unfamiliarity always seems to bring me.  Nevertheless (side note... nevertheless is one word which I find absolutely wonder)... nevertheless I will not be daunted by any fear.  My excitement is tantamount to oxygen for my survival.  My only prayer for myself is "God be with me."

I have decided to start updating and writing this blog regularly.  I will be simultaneously posting all my journal entries on blogger, facebook and myspace.  It's not because I don't have a life, but rather because I enjoy the comments of inspiration and thought that people leave me.  I find a lot of wisdom in the thoughts people have, so thanks to you, my partners, my contributors, my fellow adventurers.

Just eight days into 2008 I find myself at the end of the last-first day of school ever, or at least most likely.  Its all coming to an end.  I am ready to be done with classes, but I am not ready to finish learning and I am not ready to leave my friends and this crazy über-social lifestyle I live.  I love my friends like I love my family, and I don't know what I could or will ever do without them.  Right now I am listening to a song that sings "I will trust in you, whatever situation, I will trust in you." and while that may not sound epic it is really putting me into perspective.  I am excited about that.  Now I am listening to "take my life" which sings "take my will and make it thine, it shall be no longer thine, take my heart it is thy own, it shall be thy royal throne... here am I, all of me, take my life, its all for thee."  Powerful, that is what this song is to me right now.

This is time for me to shine.  I am gonna make this the best semester ever, and I hope you will join me in making this a reality.

I love you, and if you feel like I am about to go into crisis mode just give me a hug.  Have a great day.

A DISAPPOINTMENT, A LESSON?

So my family's ski trip was cancelled on account of "the largest storm in a decade" moving over the entire west coast... projecting to dump over 10' of snow everywhere and have winds over 100 mph at the peak of some mountains.  I know that the weather is something uncontrollable and their is no use being upset on account of it, but right now I am really disappointed.  I wanted to go on this ski-trip with my family so badly.  I have been thinking about it every day for the past three weeks and its been on my heart for a lot longer.  I have even been jogging every day just to get that extra bit of performance so I would enjoy less fatigue so I could have more fun with my family.

It just seams like nothing ever works out for us sometimes.  The new house, our cars, money, our plans... our family seems plagued because the things we plan for never work out it appears.

What I find that makes me find joy in the darkest of times is when I see that the things we don't plan for that become our best moments to shine.  I never planned on coming to APU, and here I am.  I never planned on a lot of things, but here I stand.  Perhaps this is another moment where God reminds us: let me takes the reigns... or to put it more vibrantly:  "I know the plans I have for you, you can trust me because I will always take care of you."

I feel very scared about the future.  Not frightened or afraid, but I feel a bothersome worry coming over me.  I know that I can trust God, and I know that I do, but I am still uncomfortable.  Yet the slightest glimmer of hope keeps me believing, for I know that God has big plans for me, maybe its just not the plans I have for me.

In a separate matter:  I am wondering if perhaps I am ready to have a girlfriend again.

2007: FREEDOM

Maybe you're like me, and you're the kind of person who loves the past
because it makes the infinite possibilities of the future taste
sweeter. Or perhaps you are also like me in that you look at times of
life in chunks, like chapters in the biography that will eventually be
written about you. You know that greatness can come from the humblest
origin. You may even believe what I believe: that greatness isn't a
measure of your wealth, your friends, your trophies, but of how you
live your life beyond average because you recognize that every moment
is a wonderful gift that excites you more than the last.

I suppose it's only natural for me to sit down and reflect on this
past year and the events, the people, and the growth that made 2007 my
year of finding Freedom. As I sit here now so many thoughts flood my
mind, and the further I try to narrow down this flood into a coherent
stream I just get overwhelmed by the shear volume of memories that
make me feel so alive. For me, reflection is important because it
makes a map of where I have been, and guides me to where I am going.
The future is unclear, but one thing I know for certain is that I am
so excited for the adventure, because adventure is what sustains my
every breath. So what was 2007?

Two Thousand Seven started off with Kathleen and I dating again.
Mistake or not, it was a good experience that taught me a lot about
myself and a lot about what I want in a relationship. It ended when
we both stopped wanting it, and I haven't looked back since and
thought it was a mistake. We are too different, and I need more than
she could ever offer me, and she should say the same of me. I spent
the next semester dating girls I didn't want to be with because I felt
unhappy with myself because of the rejection of one girl that I really
wanted, and never stopped wanting. It was a long journey for me, and
there were times where I wondered if I was just full of crap or if I
was just learning how to deal. Did I learn my lesson? My answer:
Rest assured that God is faithful. Additionally, for those who seek
wisdom, they will find it.

This year has been a another stretch in the long road for me to find
out who I truly am. I constantly struggle trying to decide how strong
I want to be, and where humbleness is due. I am so stretched between
trying to figure out when I need to make sure people stop walking over
me, and when I need to just get over my own mind to let peace come
into my life. Especially recently when dealing with some friends, I
find myself exhausted from taking all the blame to maintain
friendships just because other people are too proud to see their
errors. My whole being wants to stand up for myself, but yet I find
myself relenting just to let peace happen. What is right, and what is
wrong?

Yet in all things, trying to find strength is more about my personal
ability to stand up to the challenges life prepares for me, than about
the personal battles I have just to get there. I am strong, and
knowing that I am is all I really need to face my giants, unscathed or
not.

I am so thankful for the culmination of this wonderful year. I have
grown so much this year. I have matured in so many ways that make me
so feel so wonderful and full of vibrance and love. This year has
taught me one thing that will shape the rest of my life. Freedom. I
am free from so many things that had me in bondage that I built
myself. I am now in the process of the biggest trial of my life:
finding out who I really am. Its funny how the words of Dr. Steve
Gerali were so right on. I have been searching for who I really am
for so long, and thanks to providence I am finally seeing who that
person, Geoff Spencer, really is. I am finally free, and as time goes
on I will truly be free. I see how all my struggles and my battles
put me in bondage, and as I grow, as this adventure continues I will
rise against it with God as my power, and I will finally be free. Oh
wait, I just forgot the most important thing... I AM FREE. There is
no waiting for freedom to come tomorrow, or the day after. Christ
died on a cross that set me free long ago, and what I really mean is
that I am excited to understand how truly free I really am.

Mistakes I made this year: I've tried to be someone I am not. I've
found myself in love and not fought for it. I given to much of myself
to things I could care less about. I have made compromises I never
thought I would. I have had to question my integrity, my character,
and everything that I hold dear. Yet... these mistakes are a part of
me. I own them, and I make no excuse for it, but I simply understand
that these mistakes are but a part of the manufacturing process that
is going to make me into the man I am becoming.

The standout events that made this year great: Club 32, Bowles Middle
Court, Mammoth, Presidents Day Weekend, Spring Break, APU Basketball
games, living with Joey and Kellen, Summer RA, 4th of July, Hot
tubbing at Gerali's, Kellen's gig in Hollywood, Alpha Training,
Bridges, Orientation, Disneyland, Homecoming, "The Rocket Summer", Bed
Races, 22nd Birthday, Mexico trip, Halloween, Banquet, and so many more.

The friends that made it spectacular: Joey, Kellen, Chad, Cody,
Anders, Greg, Josh, Jon, Bryan, Darren, Dr. Steve, Brooke, Janay,
Megan, Julie, Katie, Mallory, Sarah, the many Rachels, Darin, Lauren,
Daly, Amanda, Kristy, Sally, Holly, Rachael, Stacy, and so many more
that I am forgetting at 2 in the morning. You all have taught me
about love, and more importantly, about freedom. Thank you, forever.

The year 2007 taught my freedom. It taught me to live free, to live
big and without fear, and to love every minute of this ride. It's
also kinda funny, cause I already know the theme for this new year:

2008: The Adventure.

Won't you set sail with me on my next great adventure? Wisdom will be
my compass, love will be the wind in my sails, I will float on faith,
and my wonderful friends will crew this ship. Our destination is
fixed and our path not difficult to see, but there is so much between
here and there that there is plenty of room for events of every kind,
and I cannot wait to feel the breeze on my face.

INTO THE WILD

At one point I imagined myself running away from this world and
escaping to whatever desolate location my heart could provide me the
strength to find. I am one of those men blessed with a spirit of
freedom that cannot be contained, as my thirst for adventure cannot be
satisfied by the trivial pursuit of life's end. Rather I find myself
living for those moments that make my heart gallup faster as my chest
rises and falls with a heavy breath of life. I find myself in love
with a God who created me to dream, created me to dare, and created me
to be free.

I find myself led into the wild.

Not some wilderness or expanse of lonely majesty, but rather the
wild... the uncharted territory of my future, a future that has yet to
be laid out. Here at the edge of this great world I boldly stand up
with eyes wide forward, searching, seeking for that Truth that gave me
the courage to rise at all. Before me stands the wild, and with my
burdens bared and yoked next to me, I step forward in the boldness and
strength that is not my own.

And the best part of it is that I have people to share my happiness
with. "Happiness is real when it is shared." People will never
forget the happiness you've shared with them... so let my life be just
that; a joy in community.