LOVE AND HATE

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I truly despise Los Angeles.  I despise her sports teams, her traffic, her dirtiness, her crooked cops, her stupid heat.  Not only do I loathe living so close to this overpopulated crap heap, but I fail to understand how things could be so bad.

So I am embellishing my distaste for LA a little, but for some reason I am just in a moment of life where I am less than enthusiastic about my current situation.  Why is it so hard for me to be grateful for the things I have?  Why is it so hard to do the things I ought to do, and want to do?  Like I already discovered though, I am selfish through and through, and the only person's needs that I seam to care for are my own.

What a hard pill to swallow.

I see God teaching me so much right now.  At first I blamed all of my misery on account of God.  I thought to myself: if I was where God wanted me to be, then I wouldn't be so miserable.  Then it occurred to me:  every Christian doesn't own a mansion on Maui.  I don't think God puts us in situations to be safe and risk nothing.  I realized for me that my miserable attitude towards life came from the fact that I am not loving as Christ loves.

I realized that my misery spawned from living a life where I wasn't allowing God to love through me.

So tonight my prayer leads me to gently petition God so,

Lord, take this selfish and attention-starved heard and make it yours.  God you know how miserable I get in those moments where I refuse to let your love guide my steps.  God, keep pushing me to go wild with love, and to find gratitude in what I have, in what I am, and what you will accomplish through me and without me.  My heart is heavy, but you are strong.  Carry these burdens for me or with me, and let your love become a joy inside the deepest reaches of my being.  Amen.

Things are going to get interesting.