IN CHRIST ALONE

I'm at that point in my life where my hunger to know God more
intimately is becoming a desperate hunger.

Soon I will starve, or be filled... and I doubt God is ready to let me
starve. I am ready to commit my life to living for God, and while
I'll admit it scares me to consider what implications that may have,
I see the adventure in it all. If there is anything I fancy myself to
be, it is an adventurer.

In Christ Alone, my hope is found.

I'm at another crossroad in my life. I have so many decisions to
make. Nothing is easy--well, except finding the time to sweat
everything. I face decisions in my job, in my dating life, in my
friendships, in my schedule, in my paths, in my finances... there are
choices that need to be made everywhere. While I lean on God to give
me wisdom, I know that he will not make the decision for me.
Therefore I sit and pray for guidance, and while I make a leap of
faith, pray that God will bless me in it.

It is also in this moment of rejuvenation that I seek to make changes
to my life that affect others. I want to be kinder, more generous,
and wiser. I used to be the person whom people sought for wisdom, and
lately I've felt like the village idiot. I want to be remembered for
my kind, bold, and prophetic words. I want to give others a taste of
the love God has, and I want to be full of life.

In the end, I worry that I am all flashy words and no substance. The
hope of things yet to be keeps me smiling however, and I pray for
growth to come.

I FEEL SO (INSERT COLORFUL SYNONYM OF "UGH")

I never take enough time to write about how I feel, and it is mostly
because I dislike dwelling on my feelings when they are negative. But
here is what is going on in my head.

I feel useless. This is not recent development. I feel useless and
in so many ways I know I am. There have been few people in my life
who told me contrary, but their infrequency has given credence to my
inadequacy. I get overlooked by almost everyone, and several others
just take me for granted anyway. My friends only call me when they
need something, and I feel like I have let them down. I hope to
change all this.

I feel like I have lost "my touch" with girls. I haven't had a
legitimate girlfriend in so long that I worry I might just be a
boring, and it makes me think I have nothing to offer when I know that
is certainly untrue. I just feel like I have lost my magic, and I do
wonder if girls will ever find me to be attractive. It is no lack of
confidence, but just perhaps I am dealing with some issues in my own
estimation of my self-worth. But maybe it is no underestimation at
all, perhaps just the bitter truth taken cooly.

I think my relationships with all my friends has suffered. Even my
friendships with my best friends seem to be shallow. I love my
friends, but I hate not considering most of them to be more important
to my basic survival. Intimacy is like oxygen to me, so why have I
neglected my friendships for so long? I hope to make myself an
indispensable part of their lives. I want to be encouraging,
involved, an trustworthy in their eyes and hearts. I feel like I have
yet to earn respect in some of my friends' eyes, and I hope to change
that.

I am tired of people pointing out that I am short, as if I hadn't
realized I was only 5'6". Yes, I know, and yes it is awkward when you
say [I'm] really small. Cut it out. I didn't choose this, and there
is no way to change it... so I just have to live my life. We all have
ideal measurements, and I am happy being thin and lean.

I want a good job, but it seems like nobody is looking for someone
like me at the moment. If I could have any job in the world, it would
be to travel the world taking pictures and video of wild places,
little-known cultures, and adventurous spirits.

My life is joyful. My soul is adventurous. My heart has a big
capacity. My mind is sharp. It's just, this has been a hard year.

NEVER STOP SEEKING

Can you see in the dark?

Ambiguous, yes.  It's a lyric from one of my new favorite songs "Keep Yourself Warm" by The Frightened Monkeys (explicative alert!).

I am at another crossroad in my life, and for some reason this one feels even more important than the decisions that I had to make right around graduation time.  What am I going to do with my life?  That question never seems to have a concrete answer, and it never seems to be an easier pill to swallow either.  I find myself searching high and low for scraps of truth to piece together the purpose of my existence.

I am learning to never stop seeking.  God's character is not someone who makes everything easy and sweet.  Surely, I will be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life, but I can never stop seeking.  There is so much to learn, so much to be revealed, and so much of God to ingest that I could spend a lifetime getting to know my creator -- and I'm guessing, "that's the point."

Never. NEVER.  NEVER STOP SEEKING.

BEAUTIFUL

'All that is gold does not glitter'

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien

SADDNESS

Some days I just wake up and realize that I feel sad.  It is not that I had a bad morning or a bad sleep, but every so often I come in to consciousness and realize that today might just be another forgettable day, and this of course makes me sad.

Deeply sad.

That which makes me sad are problems not easily solved.  I have sadness in so many areas of my life that this makes me sadder.  Sadness over a girl too far from reach, an adventure not lived, friends lost, friends not made, a family not bonded tightly, a God met with hostility, friends not in community, and a world full of ignorance of peace.  My sadness plagues these days, and there are times that my overwhelming hope and optimism fail in the shadow my sadness casts.

God's love is strong throughout my pain, and while it comforts me greatly, a desperate chill still fills my breath.  What can I do to make such sadness cease?  It seams for so long I haven't experienced great joy, and the terrible thing is that I know joy is often a matter of choice.

God, take this sad heart and make it new.  

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

I long for the day when some girl will see her whole world in my
eyes. I long to be wanted, esteemed, and enjoyed, cause right now I
feel only tolerated with an accompaniment of apathy.

KINDNESS

Of all the virtues I consider to be important, I realized a great tragedy before me.  I have spent so much time considering the importance of wisdom, justice, freedom, and love, that I have developed serious tunnel vision--in doing so I forgot one of God's most precious gifts to us: the act of kindness.

I categorically considered myself a kind person, but I realize in many ways my selfishness and general apathy towards being a participator in acts of kindness illuminates fully a inconsistency now vividly apparent.  The man I see myself as is irreconcilable with the man I am.  Believing myself a kind person naïvely has led me to overlook opportunities to engage others in a God-pleasing way.  Thinking I was kind led me to overlook those who who truly needed some kindness.

How I realize now the importance of this humble virtue.  Kindness is more than being considerate, fair, or loving.  It is an act that requires a participator and an action... an action which generally demands a sacrifice on behalf of the participator.  I would define kindness without sacrifice as simply generosity (which is not a bad thing either).  The severity of the sacrifice is paralleled in the act of kindness.  What we experience as a desire to be kind is a byproduct of the act and sensation of real love of others, universally.  My prayers then led me to beg God to fill my heart with love and joy of others, and to petition him to lead me in acts of kindness when they are not apparent to me.

What do I believe about kindness?  Kindness is gentle, but can be passionate.  Kindness is big, but can be shown in small ways.  Kindness can be random, but love is constant.  Kindness can be bold, but best served humbly.

I challenge myself to live the remainder of my life exercising kindness to all people, in any way that I can.

God, give me a heart that seeks to be kind to others.  Cleans my thoughts and make them pure.  Strike selfishness from my lips and my mind, and fill the void left there with passion for your people.  Illuminate opportunities to be bold and humble.  Remind me constantly that while this garden is temporary, it is still the perfect place to worship you with my actions.  Give me wisdom, a heart for justice, love indescribable, joy in freedom, and focus my eyes on kindness.