BEAUTIFUL

'All that is gold does not glitter'

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien

SADDNESS

Some days I just wake up and realize that I feel sad.  It is not that I had a bad morning or a bad sleep, but every so often I come in to consciousness and realize that today might just be another forgettable day, and this of course makes me sad.

Deeply sad.

That which makes me sad are problems not easily solved.  I have sadness in so many areas of my life that this makes me sadder.  Sadness over a girl too far from reach, an adventure not lived, friends lost, friends not made, a family not bonded tightly, a God met with hostility, friends not in community, and a world full of ignorance of peace.  My sadness plagues these days, and there are times that my overwhelming hope and optimism fail in the shadow my sadness casts.

God's love is strong throughout my pain, and while it comforts me greatly, a desperate chill still fills my breath.  What can I do to make such sadness cease?  It seams for so long I haven't experienced great joy, and the terrible thing is that I know joy is often a matter of choice.

God, take this sad heart and make it new.  

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

I long for the day when some girl will see her whole world in my
eyes. I long to be wanted, esteemed, and enjoyed, cause right now I
feel only tolerated with an accompaniment of apathy.

KINDNESS

Of all the virtues I consider to be important, I realized a great tragedy before me.  I have spent so much time considering the importance of wisdom, justice, freedom, and love, that I have developed serious tunnel vision--in doing so I forgot one of God's most precious gifts to us: the act of kindness.

I categorically considered myself a kind person, but I realize in many ways my selfishness and general apathy towards being a participator in acts of kindness illuminates fully a inconsistency now vividly apparent.  The man I see myself as is irreconcilable with the man I am.  Believing myself a kind person naïvely has led me to overlook opportunities to engage others in a God-pleasing way.  Thinking I was kind led me to overlook those who who truly needed some kindness.

How I realize now the importance of this humble virtue.  Kindness is more than being considerate, fair, or loving.  It is an act that requires a participator and an action... an action which generally demands a sacrifice on behalf of the participator.  I would define kindness without sacrifice as simply generosity (which is not a bad thing either).  The severity of the sacrifice is paralleled in the act of kindness.  What we experience as a desire to be kind is a byproduct of the act and sensation of real love of others, universally.  My prayers then led me to beg God to fill my heart with love and joy of others, and to petition him to lead me in acts of kindness when they are not apparent to me.

What do I believe about kindness?  Kindness is gentle, but can be passionate.  Kindness is big, but can be shown in small ways.  Kindness can be random, but love is constant.  Kindness can be bold, but best served humbly.

I challenge myself to live the remainder of my life exercising kindness to all people, in any way that I can.

God, give me a heart that seeks to be kind to others.  Cleans my thoughts and make them pure.  Strike selfishness from my lips and my mind, and fill the void left there with passion for your people.  Illuminate opportunities to be bold and humble.  Remind me constantly that while this garden is temporary, it is still the perfect place to worship you with my actions.  Give me wisdom, a heart for justice, love indescribable, joy in freedom, and focus my eyes on kindness.

THE JOY OF DOUBT

Doubt comes when you have big questions that cause you to seek answers.  Joyful doubting is when your quest for answers is so fulfilling that your faith becomes a solid rock...

Rarely do I read a book that is life changing.

How the natural order of things has been upset recently!  Tonight I finished a book called "Creator and the Cosmos" by Hugh Ross, PH. D. and it has genuinely changed my life.  "How is that?" one might ask.  I have been struggling with doubt and fear about God's existence for a long time.  I had so many questions about the universe, about life, and so many other great things that it has really affected me negatively over the past four years.  Tonight though I have found a fountain of truth, and with a joyful heart I say that doubting has been the best thing to ever happen to me.  For without doubt, I would have never sought the answers that have swung me from ignorance to awe and wonder.

In Creator and The Cosmos, Ross outlines the evidence for the creation of the universe using the latest scientific discoveries of astronomers and scientists alike, many of whom are atheists.  The evidence for a Big Bang event are overwhelming, but this means that the universe had a beginning!  There is no escaping the fact that everything is created.  [This is not me trying to prove or argue my faith, I am simply summarizing what I have learned].  I always asked why there is so much space and so many stars, and the latest scientific discoveries show that if there was any more or any less stars in the universe, placed any closer or any further, and life would be impossible because planets would not be able to form.  The whole universe shows complexities and formations that could not have randomly occurred without divine intervention, and the universe is nowhere near as improbable and complicated as the human body.  The fact that life exists, at all, shows proof of God's design, intellect, and care for creation.  To simplify the argument, this universe and the life in it is far too complicated and improbable (infinite understatement) to explain by simply natural explanations.

The final chapter, entitled "The Point", is only 3 pages long, but it has changed my life forever.  One sections reads:

"Drawing near to God, calling on Him "in truth," begins with humbly acknowledging who we are -- His creation and no one else's, foolishly inclined to place ourselves or others in God's place of authority over our lives -- and who He is -- the Divine Maker and Provider of all things, including a way across the gulf that divides us from him."  (pp. 218)

Those words are honey to my lips.  Drawing near to God begins with acknowledging that we are his creation and he (and only he) is our creator.  I think the word "acknowledging" can best be described as understanding.  This means to me that by understanding God's creation, we can be closer to him.  I see the degrees of complexities and magnitudes of this creation, and I am impressed.  Praise God for your creation.

I have always had an interest in science, and forever I thought that science stood in the way of faith.  It is now that I realize that science makes my faith even better.

THIRST

I am thirsty.

thirst:  Poetic/Literary  a strong desire for something.

As I sit here cocooned in music, I am realizing how truly dry I am.  I thirst for so much but my eyes are veiled: I feel like I am in a desert, when in fact I am treading in an ocean.

I thirst for righteousness, true love, for God's kingdom come, for peace, for wisdom, for love, for justice, for freedom, for heaven, for answers, for buried treasure, for blessings, for faith, for intimacy, for life, for adventure, and I thirst to know myself.  I am a man, thirsty for so much, and this thirst manifests itself as much more than hunger pains.  I know what I was made for, my purpose, my amazing calling, but I idly take it for granted, and refuse every cupful that comes my way.

By any definition, we would call a man dying of thirst who refuses a cup of water to be insane.

My thirst has reached an apex, a tipping point: I can no longer ignore the passion of my soul to be righteous and faithful.

I am exhausted with trying to fake my way through relationships, my faith, my work, and life in general.  A moment of honesty for me is a moment of self-recognition, and at times I do not like the whole picture present in the mirror.  But I am confronted with a truth greater than anything power of this world; I am loved without precondition by a God who promises satisfaction to all who thirst.

This past year has been a difficult one for me.  One of asking myself whether or not I truly believe in God, and the answer I have discovered is that I absolutely believe he exists, and that he is involved in the affairs of this world--and this heart.

It should come as no surprise then that I thirst to know more about the Creator.  I know much about his character, but little about his face or his hand.  With little trepidation I sail forward towards springs of freedom, justice, wisdom, and love... hoping that this insatiable yearning can be cured by a God who promises to quench all thirsts.

MY DREAM HOME, SPENCER RANCH

So I have been thinking a lot about what I want in life recently, and
it all kinda boiled down to a lifestyle.

I want to own my own ranch.

Near a beach, a forrest, and some farmland.

I have always been a fan of horses since third grade when my Mom
bought us a horse (for $1). It was a twenty year old Appaloosa that
had just one eye, which also happened to be blind. Her name was
Breeze (a sore allusion to her bare eye socket, I suppose). Then when
I was in 5th grade my mother sold Breeze away to some foundation for
blind kids. Losers. (That's a joke, I don't really think blind
people are losers... although I did accidently say "See ya later" to a
blind person at work a few weeks ago--which wasn't nearly as bad an
accident as Greg yelling "we can walk!" as a paraplegic rolled right
behind him). So I tried to see if it would be possible for me to buy
a horse on my own, and I quickly discovered that a paper route
wouldn't support all a horse needs. Defeat, and then I grew up.

I have always loved wilderness. Something about wandering streams
full of fish and tall forests has always called me home. I feel
natural and in my element around dust, dirt, and leaf. The polished
rocks of river beds and the smell of pine needles have always kept me
dreaming of owning and living in a slice of God's beautiful creation.

I want to live on a ranch, sit on my porch drinking lemonade, watch
the sun dip over the mountainside as country tunes fill the air,
whilst my children run around the yard with fiddles. Ok, I lied about
the fiddle part. On this ranch I want to have a studio, where I can
write, take pictures, edit film, paint, broadcast christian talk radio/
tv, and build a telescope.

I like the city, but there are so many people that I am overwhelmed at
times. I am also not a big fan of traffic or public restrooms or
stinky garbage trucks.

Maybe this is all a little ridiculous, but that's my dream home.