iChristian

Over the last few years we have seen the influence of the internet come into it's true global potential.  Our entire planet is now literally connected together in millions of miles of wires and wifi-airwaves... an incredible achievement we mostly take for granted as write our blogs, check our facebooks, delete our myspaces, post to our twitter accounts, and leave  comments on yelp.com reviewing "Bad-Ass Coffee of Glendale" as truly Bad-Ass... even though I heard they had to change their name.  As the internet becomes more and more a real part of our lives, rather than some odd nerd-hobby or a jungle for sexual predators, it is becoming a part of us.  Each person is now more than a soul and a body, but a digital character as well.  For better or worse, we are more than ourselves, we now take responsibility for our virtual likenesses.

The way we think about ourselves is dramatically changing without our acceptance being necessary.  Within a world of interconnection and communication at our fingertips at every moment, we are literally redefining what it means to be oneself.  Where does a person end and begin is a question previously unfathomable, but now formidable.  I can now say with some certainty that I will live forever, or at least the non-fiction character of Geoff Spencer will.  Way after my death all my comments and picture postings and "tweets" will live on forever... captured to the countless backups and archives thanks to Google and the like.

The whole concept sets us up for an interesting situation.  If you've ever had facebook suggest that you "reconnect" with a deceased friend, you already know exactly what I mean (awkward).  Our digital lives have seeped into everything we do.  If you live under a rock in rural Middle Earth, let me share with you some stories: potential employers check your facebook profile to learn about who you are before they even call you in for an interview.  A young teenage girl committed suicide because of disparaging comments made to her on myspace by a neighboring woman and her daughter posing as a boy.  A friend realized her husband had cheated on her when she saw pictures on facebook of him in Vegas... when he was on a business trip to Cincinnati.  An irritatingly adorable Brittish toddler is videotaped letting his baby brother bite his finger and instantly becomes one of the most recognizable faces on the planet  (youtube search: Charlie Bit Me).  The stories go on... the internet is now a crucial part of the human experience.

So... thesis time:  Who are you?

With your digital life comes your digital testimony.  Who you are, what you believe, and what you stand for are all easily accessible within a few seconds by anyone in the world.  With that kind of power, Christians must face a new reality: our real digital lives speak as much about our faith and our God as do our natural carbon-based lives.

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As a young man growing up in the Church, I was given all the reminders I needed that a spiritually hungry world in search of answers was watching us Christians with a more scrutinizing eye than the one for my atheist neighbor.  After all, If we claim to hold the keys to a life overflowing with love, wisdom, and joy... it is only common sense that our lives would be vivid testaments to the transforming grace of God.  Therefore every word I speak and every action I take is evidence immediately admissible in the World's Court of Christ's Legitimacy... and it is not just me that is on trial, but my Jesus as well.  This court isn't here to decide my fate, but to judge the validity of Christianity by how I represent it.

This case of the people vs. the testimony of the Church is probably a good thing, but I'd like you all to know something: there is a big heaping lot of evidence... but it is not in our favor.  In every conversation I have with "non-Christian" people about why it is so hard to imagine an all-loving God, their first answer is inevitably that God's people are not all-loving.  If there is no difference between them and anyone else, then why would they want God?  If that does not cause you to stop and think, take a moment to wrap your mind around that.

The world's disbelief in God has everything to do with many Christians not engaging the world with love.  The phrase "be in the world but not of it" has been taken too far to the extreme.  We like to pretend as if quoting that and wearing your "Not of This World" t-shirt automatically registers you on some special list.  Time to get real, people.

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You might have never traveled more than 30 miles from where you live, but your digital self has probably traveled across every corner of the globe by this point.  You might have met a million people you'll never see face to face, but they'll instantly know who you are... all it takes is a twenty second glance at your facebook profile to get an idea about who you are and what you stand for.

If twenty seconds is all you ever get with that person, what would you want them to think about you?  What would you want them to think about Jesus?

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The other day I left my facebook open on my computer at work and went about my business at the office.  An hour later I came back to my desk to find that a friend's posting of colorfully perverse words about homosexuals had been on my home screen the whole time.  Unacceptable to begin with, it probably wouldn't have been so bad if all my coworkers were not gay, and if they hadn't all walked by my computer screen.  To make matters worse, this friend is a Christian.

I work in Hollywood, where people already think Christians are crazy.  I work so hard every day to change this towns' view of us.  I work hard so people know that my God is one who is compassionate and loving... but in one moment that can all be undone by a facebook post this person never thought twice about.

This got me thinking: A lot of Christians work hard to always show love, and just as many could care less.  Unfortunately, it is the voices of those who care the least about showing God's love that gain the world's attention... making harder for the love soldiers like me and my friends who work hard to change this world.

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When I graduated and walked down the stage, I shook President Wallace's hand and he told me "Go change the world."

There's nothing more that I want than to see Christians who care about wisdom, justice, freedom, and love.  If everyone was Christ-like, the world would be a much different place.

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I met a woman at a baptist church in Georgia, and she told the congregation that she "doesn't wish hell on anybody, not even [her] worst enemy."  She's so right.  But I know that if I don't make a decision every day to show Christ's love at all times, it's not my enemies that suffer, it's my strangers.  The people who don't know me and never get a taste of God's love who I am unknowingly wishing hell upon.

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There's no shortage of cliche things to say about productive Christian ministry.  One of my favorites goes "Share the gospel at all times, and when necessary: use words."  I don't know a single person who has been converted by a hot-headed preacher with a bullhorn at the corner professing hell for sinners.  Every Christian I know has come to the faith through the virtue of love and transformation.  They came to know the Lord because they saw something different and inexplicable in someone else... a Christian.

Today, the words you write and the way you act will be the deciding influence that causes people to follow, abandon, or completely reject Christ.  I beg you, for the rest of us trying so hard to turn the world's view of us: think thrice about what you do.  In a day like ours, you will never know how far your actions go.

If you are a Christian, and you're not ready to get with the program and live like as a Christ follower... at least make our job of saving Christianity easier and change your facebook religion status to "Mother Eywa and polka-dots" or something.  We could use the break!


(This is a work in progress, and I'll surely be updating it in the future... therefore your thoughts and criticisms are appreciated.)

JUST A TINY CREATION

Nothing haunts me more than a blank page.  Ultimately any ivory canvas will soon enough become soiled by the painter, but unlike a painter I do not see the finished work even before casting my first stroke.  Call it naïvety, immaturity, or lack of skill... but that is just not me.  Right now, I have no plan of what to do or what to say--I'm more Pollack than Picasso,  but when I sit down to write I always find the hours drift by as I simply stare into nothing: this ungodly mess waiting to happen.  All these thoughts inside fight so hard to get out and breath for the first time the fresh air of this intoxicating world, yet only the lucky few ever make it past the gate.  I realized tonight, while hating the empty page, that writing for me is not something I do out of duty to this idea that more writing will make me the great artist I wish I was, I'm simply awake to the spirit of creativity inside me that became incarnate the moment God breathed flesh into Adam.  We are created in his image--in the Creator's image, the inclination to make and do is simply nature.  Not so deep inside every man and woman exists the God-intended instinct to create beauty and community, just as he did--just as he does.  I imagine God takes great delight in watching his children creating even the tiniest of things.  When considering the inconsiderable greatness of his creation, our puny little paintings, songs, books, statues, sex, and talking-pictures are so significantly insignificant.  Like the four year old son of the master architect who builds his first popsicle stick house and claims engineering success, Daddy must take great pleasure in watching his little one explore the curiosity he inherited from his loving Father.

I write a lot about beauty and community; mostly because they are the same, but also because I believe God created us to experience both in profound and life-changing ways.  Psychologists are refining Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to add in a step committed to the aesthetic experience, and I wonder how many times along the way Christians could have picked up the ball and taught the world this truth, first.  Knowing and seeing beauty in this world is an integral part in having the joy of Christ in your life.  That joy of course comes from the strong community between the Holy Spirit and our hearts--formed in the birth of that moment we stepped over the line that forever separated us from Death's sting, and ushered us into everlasting life.  And it doesn't stop there!  The community we experience with each other is literally a demonstration of our community with God, imago dei in its purest form.  The power of friendships, of love, is an expression of the quintessence of who we are in Christ.  Whereas community with the Holy Spirit and each other brings us joy, our experience of joy gives us an appreciation of the importance of beauty; and when there is not enough beauty around, God gave us a spirit to create some to share.

So share beauty with each other.  Enjoy community.  Laugh, dance, sing, and paint.  EXPLORE, DREAM, DISCOVER.  Let that Holy Spirit work in your life, and you will see great and powerful things, and trust me, you'll never be the same.

A WORK IN PROGRESS

I am not impressed by the powers of this world,
For in my heart I know the penetrating truth,
Accident. Chance. Random: I am not.
As birth and death govern all that is seen
Except to him who intended all things in love
I am unbound to the consequence of an empty heart
And the good tree bears good fruit.

LOVE WINS

We walk in step but not in light

Our dreams are entirely ours

We preach in words but not action

Our lips never surrender

We sing songs but hardly worship

Our lives are for show

We damn in his name but love in others

Our love is fickle and honorable rarely

We esteem the strong, mighty and bold

Our blessings save none for the meek.

We are right but seldom true

Our heads are strong but our hearts weak

We are righteous, you probably are

Our devotion simmers in this world

We go through motions but move not

We walk narrow paths but live narrow lives

We hate sin and therefore sinners

We are God's people but you'd never guess

Our lives betray our testimony.

I am in a moment right now where I can't help but wonder why people have such a bad view of us Christians.  Can people be as crazy as I see, or could it just be that we are failing as a body of believers to be the movers and shakers of God's plan.  Are our actions, beliefs, churches, and lives model the proper way to take the Good News out into the world and make disciples of all nations?  We want to few the church pews but we are too afraid to outreach in our communities... our bubble is a safe turtle shell.  Shouldn't the children of God's love show Love?  If we were doing our job, shouldn't the world look different?  I refuse to buy the excuse that we are "in the end days" or that Satan's work in this world is too strong... have you forgotten who our God is?  My friends; Love wins.  I have seen it win, and I see a lot of people who are great and loving examples of what it really means to be Christ-like and Christ-minded.  These people are numbered--a percentage barely registered.

How do we change the hearts and minds of a world that sees us not as Salt but as acid.  I've always been taught that you catch bees with honey, but when I go downtown I read signs that tell me to repent or burn.  When I see a sign that says Jesus loves me, I wonder why someone has to hold a sign for me to know that.  We speak in thousands of words that never mean a thing--I can't help but wonder in the simplicity of the Good News.  Our rhetoric needs to change as much as our lives.  If we surrender our lives, we better mean it... because the world sees and judges us for claiming to be saved.  When our lives betray our Savior, all words surely fall on deaf ears.

Is there anything greater than wisdom?  Is there anything nobler than justice?  Is there any words as sweet to the lips as freedom?  Is there anything that conquers more than love?  My dear, dear friends: the Good News is simple.  Love wins... because God wins.

THE WILD MAN'S HEART

As I think about what it means to have the heart of a wild man, I am immediately impressed with the vision that has guided my life for the past two years.  That vision, that ultimate theme that my life lays its foundation to rest upon, is of course the sweetest words to my lips: freedom.  I can find no word so satisfactory to whisper nor as wonderful to the heart as freedom.  The beauty of the freedom I have found in Christ takes a transforming role in my understanding about what it means to be a man.  Experiencing the power and gravitas of that freedom which was paid for by Christ's blood has the single greatest consequence on my maturing consciousness -- that I am not a citizen bound to the spiritual powers of this world, but rather I am free... I am a wild man, with a wild-man's-sized heart to fall in love with the adventures in store.

In the process of growing and maturing, I find myself at a definitive crossroad where I see two possible outcomes, the destinations on which these forks in the road arrive.  On one side I see the man that the world expects me to become... proud, self-seeking, rich, and arrogant.  The men of this world reap their harvest of money, fame, and grandeur.  They are rewarded with the attention of women, esteem by their peers, and history's grace.  Yet on the other side I see the man that God has laid out for me to be.  His rewards are not so immediate nor shine so bright to the eyes in this world, but the gifts of wisdom, character, community, freedom, and love... are rewards far greater to the soul than the meaningless trophies of this world that will be wiped away in the coming storm.  From the all the powers of this world that seek decay, rust and destroy, I find freedom.  I find freedom from the man the world expect me to be, and I find the strength to have the courage to be the man that God destined for me to become.  I have a wild man's heart, and that heart cannot be swayed by the dark and meaningless, nor the second best.

At the same time, I look ahead and find that there is a great distance between that man God wants me to be and who I am today.  The deeper into my heart I look, the more inconsistencies I am finding.  If a godly man is one blessed with the virtues of wisdom, mercy, grace, humility, courage, unbridled love, and a passionate heart for justice, I can only see the many ways I fall short.  Yet what I do have is freedom.  I have freedom from the guilt that would have me ignore that God is well pleased with who I am, loves me as I am, and is excited for my journey.  Wisdom is a gift, but it is one planted in small seeds that take root in our experiences, and flourish through moments enchanted by divine whispers -- in this way I do see the path to becoming a godly man as an epic journey... a wonderful adventure in freedom sans the weight of shame.

"You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world.  So why do you keep  on following the rules of this world, such as "Don't handle! Don't taste! Don't touch!"?  Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them.  These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self denial, and severe bodily discipline.  But they provide no help in conquering a person's evil desires (emphasis added).  Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand.  Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.  For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God."  Colossians 2:20 - 3:3

I have the heart of a wild man, and I am not impressed by the powers of this world.  The world would like nothing more than for me to live in shackles, but I am wild and I am free.  Let the adventure begin.

PREPARE FOR GLORY

I am sitting here staring at a poster on my wall.  This particular poster is from one of my favorite films, 300.  It amuses me to find the title for this entry on a film poster, but who am I to judge?  Like I can really choose when inspiration strikes?  The slogan smeared, literally,  across the poster reads "Prepare For Glory," and I would be foolish to not make the connection.

A wise girl named Sally mentioned to me that we are not citizens of this world, we are merely visitors waiting for the arrival of the glory in which we are all purposefully and wonderfully made.

What do our lives amount to, if not for this purpose?  We are here to prepare for the coming and imminent glory--to prepare ourselves and to prepare others for the glory that is advancing quickly.

*

The very first step of wisdom is to seek more wisdom.  For us Christians, we cannot ever be satisfied with what we little we know.  God is full of wisdom, and gives it freely.  All we need is to ask.  Living a life prepared for glory is more than just reminding ourselves of what is to come, but of seriously taking actions in our lives to prepare our hearts, and to beg God to let us take part in bringing his kingdom to this place.  God has no need of us, but by his love this glory is immanent.  So keep your eye's fixed towards the heaven and remind yourself that every breath is another breath permitted by God, and worthy of celebration and reverence.

The wise one prepares with passionate humility to the sovereignty of God and our freedom from the poison of man... the foolish wisdom of beings who elevate themselves on ignorance.  Sharpen your minds.  Seek Christ, and in him you will find wisdom and knowledge.  Seek justice for the poor, the meek, the widowed, the orphaned, the sick, and the imprisoned.  Explore the world.  Dream, Seek, Discover.  Advocate.  Stand up.  Love others boldly and without fear.  Find courage in future joys.  Dwell not in the past of things, but in the things that are surely coming soon.  Be mighty and triumphant, yet gentle and loving.

Let every man search his own heart, and if inside he finds that insatiable desire to follow the creator, let him boldly approach the throne.  Come! and find the true glory that is near, just barely over the horizon.  The entire world aches in growing pains, and the time is almost here.  There is everlasting, and it will be glorious.

*Read Col.2 and 3.  I read these chapters before writing and found myself very inspired.

IN THE SECRET PLACE

In my secret place, I take refuge from all that this world holds so dear with their foolish hands.  I take time to rest my weary mind and these tired eyes, and just bathe my soul in the quiet waters of God's presence.  My secret place isn't so secret, and while I'd like to keep it all to myself, the truth is that all who are weary can go there, and go there anytime they'd like.

It summertime.  This season always seems to capture my heart and my imagination unlike any other quarter of the year.  It is a time of celebration, a time of being outside in God's creation, and a time of late night revelations.  When the summer comes I know that there are great things in store, and with an ample grin I find every inch of me jump with the excitement of the impending joys.  Here comes dreams, here comes hopes, and here comes all that we've all been waiting for.  Summer to me is a theme, an anthem.  A reminder that there is birth and there is death, but throughout the process there is beauty in front and behind every corner.

We humans need beauty.  Beauty is the reflection of God's power taking place.  God created this world to showcase his beauty, and all around us we see the intricacy and craftsmanship of the being who finds the greatest delight in his children's wonder and awe.  When we see beauty--there is wonder; there is awe.  In my secret place, I find the beauty of hallelujah.

Too many days have passed without action, too many minutes have been wasted idly, and too many seconds haven't seen their proper adventure.  For me, the summertime is always a fresh breath of life, a new chapter and a new time to remind myself of who and what I live for.  There is so much in this world worth saving, and so little time to do it.

My Lord:  Bless me with wisdom.  Make me a lover of justice.  Show me true freedom.  Give me a love like yours.  Make me a man after your heart who serves and blesses.  Bless me with words--a tool to build your kingdom.  Give me peace, and bless me deeply.  Show me who you are, that I might follow you closely.  In my secret place, and in the world, let my words be a bright light to guide the lost and the weary.

A GOD THING

I am elated. I am on the highest cloud. I feel so good right now,
and all of this joy is the joy I have for being a child of God! I
can't even begin to describe to you how great God is--in the good
times, and the bad times too.

Let me tell you a story about the goodness of God. For the past four
months I have been looking for a job with no success. I was really
starting to get bogged down with stress about things. I was getting
twelve hours a week at Disneyland, barely able to afford rent and
interest payments on my student loans. My car had been broken and
inoperable since January 1st, and if it wasn't for the care and grace
of my beautiful girlfriend, I wouldn't have been able to get to work
in Anaheim. Circumstances were getting very desperate for me--I don't
know how someone without a relationship with Christ could have dealt
with this (of course I recognized how blessed I am living in America
and my standard of living compared to the poverty of the rest of the
world. I would never take it for granted, and I pray for those less
fortunate).

A week ago, I heard through my very small network that there was a
company looking for someone to answer their phones, run the office,
and log tape footage. I sent my resume over to a man named Joel
thinking the position was with his company. He responded saying the
position was actually with a different company, Element Media Inc. and
that he had already forwarded someone else's application, but he would
be happy to send mine in too. The one catch was that they were
looking to have filled the position on friday, the day before. I was
bummed and tempted to not send my resume, but sent it anyway.

On Wednesday, my Dad had emailed me about some things, and had asked
me about the job search. I was writing him and telling him about how
bad things were and how they... for lack of a better term... sucked.
I asked for prayer. After hitting the send button, I looked down at
my phone and I had a voicemail from an unknown number. I listened to
the message and it was from Joe, the CEO of Element Media Inc. He
wanted to talk about my resume! I was in the public library so I
couldn't call him back, so I raced to KLOT (a disney cast member
parking lot) and made the call from their since I knew it would be a
quiet place. The phone conversation was amazing, and Joe was really
impressed by me. He invited me down to meet at 11:00 am on Friday
(today).

So, two days after the first call (with a day at the beach in
between), I went down to Element Media to meet Joe and his business
partner, Kevin. The first thing I am struck by is the location.
Their office is on the corner of Highland and Fountain... literally in
the heart of Hollywood. What a place for me to be! A location like
this is the perfect hill for God's light to shine from. So I meet
with Joe and Kevin and the interview is just phenomenal. Joe used to
work at Disneyworld in Florida and had friends in the college program,
and here I am just out of the college program! I leave the interview
with a great feeling of optimism and hope. When I get home from the
interview, I quickly write an email to Joe and Kevin to tell them
thank you for having me interview, and within five minutes of sending
my email they both respond, separately, telling me how impressed they
were by me. Joe adds "you'll be hearing from me soon."

I wasn't sure what soon meant. I was offered the job less than a half
hour later. Praise God!

The thing that just really amazes me is the timing of everything. In
less than a week (really, in less than 3 days) I have gone from
working twelve hours a week at Disneyland to having a great job for a
production company. God is awesome.

This job is going to be great. There is so much I am going to learn,
and this launch pad will be perfect for me. I am so excited for it,
and so excited that I can tell people about how God has had such a
deliberate hand in this. I am so thankful for all those involved, and
I can't even express to you right now how elated I feel. "Elated" is
the only word I can think of right now, by the way.

So my new job role will be as an Office Manager/Assistant Editor for
Element Media Inc. If I didn't mention before, Element Media makes
EPKs (electronic press kits), behind-the-scenes, DVD bonus features,
and more. They work with almost all the major studios and have
special deals with Focus Features and the Coen Bros. This job will be
a fantastic opportunity for me to learn, work, and grow.

PRAISE GOD.

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG

It has been too long -- far too long -- since my last post. In many
ways, I have been living out great adventures that have been really
good for my soul, and in other ways, I have been far too lazy and
neglecting the things that matter most to me. I have been so lazy
lately that I have felt like I have no time to write. I remember back
to my time at APU when I had barely four hours of sleep but still made
time to consider my thoughts about life and write them down. Here I
sit now, making time, but for a different reason. Freeing myself from
writing out of a sense of duty and purpose, I can now write out of
sheer pleasure in pursuit of the excellence that makes me feel alive.

So how do I capture the last few months? They have escaped my pen, or
rather my keyboard. The storyteller in me wants to write it all down,
record it, narrate it and fit it into a chapter in my life -- but the
thinker in me would rather leave these months blank, a mystery to
anyone caring to notice. The truth is that these have been a few of
the darkest months in my life, but I am blessed. I have never had so
much to worry about, but never have I worried less. Perhaps it is
ignorance, perhaps it is hope. Well whatever bliss this is, I am
blessed.

My work is easy, too easy. I am not challenged at all. The biggest
challenge I face is telling people they have to wait another 5 minutes
to use their fast pass, or deciding whether or not to hit the ride-
stop button because someone is floating their banana in the elevator
shaft. I was offered an interview to be a trainer... I am capable of
so much more and I hope they realize that. I have my eyes on so many
bigger things. I want to do great things, but I have no idea where to
start. I have no idea what I want to do. All the things that
interest me seem to require vast sums of money or years and years of
experience (which I have neither). I hate being confined, and I feel
in some ways that my life is a poorly constructed prison begging to be
sprung.

It has been too long since I have seen my family. It has been too
long since I have felt close kinship with a stranger. It has been too
long since I have been to church. It has been too long since I have
felt comfortable and assured. It has been far too long since I have
done anything worth remembering. It has been far too long since I
have felt a sense of purpose of my life, and it has been far too long
since I have thought about serving anyone but myself. Maybe though,
this time has simply been preparation time... time for me to prepare
my life for great purpose.

I am stuck on one question. If I could only answer that question, my
whole life would be answered. I would have no fear because I could
stop wondering about it and finally do it. The question is "where do
I start?" The idea that keeps me fascinated, however, is that by
answering that question, I will have taken all the mystery out of
life. "What I was born to do?" is perhaps a question better
considered in the end. If I could pick an answer now though, I would
say I was born to go on great adventures. It has been far too long
since I had an adventure.

Here I sit now, writing as I always love, trying to find a reason not
to beat myself up over the selfishness and the laziness I have
experienced these last few months. All my thoughts have revolved on
trying to get a better job, to boost myself up to somewhere new, to
find a career, and the funny thing is that I haven't spent more than
an hour tending to my heart, or cultivating my soul. The good news
is, the times: they are 'a changing.

Why am I committing myself to change? Simply put, it has been too long.

ANYTHING

I'd give anything to be with you. You have my heart, and as much as I
wish you did not, I just don't think i'll ever get over you.

EXPLORE. DREAM. DISCOVER

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover.

-Mark Twain

I AM ON MY WAY

Sometimes I hear a song, and its message sounds so much like my life, that I begin to wonder if it was written about me--as if moments of my life sat suspended in fancy picture frames on the song writer's desk.  Now obviously I don't really believe that, but I am still struck by the frequency at which songs that especially comment on the current and flow of my life occur.  Lately, I have been feeling very discouraged about so many things, and yet I still have hope.  

I am on my way,

I can go the distance,

I don't care how far,

somehow I'll be strong

I know every mile

will be worth my while

I would go most anywhere

to feel like I belong.

"Go the Distance" from Walt Disney Pictures' Hercules.

Lyrics by David Zippel.

I am on my way, and I can go the distance.  With God by my side, I will be strong.  For me, the difference is that I know where and to who I belong.  To God, my creator.  In many ways, it assures me that all these feelings of not belonging to this world are not supposed to surprise or discourage me, but remind me of the awesome power by which, and for who, I was made.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

I know that as a good 'ol Christian boy I ought to be rejoicing in my
trials and hardships, but at this moment comfort and joy are strangers
to me. It perplexes me that I feel differently than I want to, and
differently then I know I should. All my hardships boil down to money
right now, and what is money? "Sparrows..." my friends say to me with
a stroke of shortsighted genius--a reference to the birds of the
fields that God provides for. I know that I am so loved by God, and I
know he is by my side, but right now I am not comforted by that. What
a shame, too.

I want nothing more than to trust God. It has taken me time to
realize that I really do not trust God. I say I do, I want to, I
believe I should, and I want nothing more... but both God and I know
that by my actions I refuse to let go of my faith in what I can do.
With every breath I take, I hate this constant struggle to
relinquish. I know the right answers, I say the right prayers, and
while my heart is wrong I all the while picture God at my side smiling
because he knows what he has in store for me.

How do we "consider it pure joy" when every part of us just wants to
be free of all hardship. Then I realize the futility of such
thought. When is Life ever kind, easy, and hardship free? I suppose
it is these times of hardships that refine us and make us who we are,
but I wish I could be a little more joyful about it. I wish I was
stronger, I wish I was wiser, and I just wish I could fix everything
that is wrong with my life and this world... and then the perpetual
lightbulb of an idea suddenly ignites a brilliant light in the chaos
of my inner turmoil:

I have an "I" problem.

THE RICHNESS OF YOUR GLORY

I think I am like most people, who put God into a little box where we
call on him whenever life gets a little hiccup or a distress becomes
too inconvenient to deal with alone. God is so much more than that,
and wants us to experience a richness of life that may not be easier,
but will certainly be fuller.

Tonight was the Christmas Eve service at church, and for the first
time ever we had the service at 11 pm. I was dreading it at first,
but then I found out some great friends whom I haven't seen in way too
long were coming and I got really excited. At Church, I recognized so
many family friends that it really made me very happy. For a family
christmas that almost didn't happen, this is sure turning out so far
to be a great Christmas (I feared I would be scheduled to work).

Tonight during the service I began thinking about why God goes so far
to reach out to us. We must be pretty special. Just looking around
at the world we discover an entire universe full of complex designs
and structures created by God for what appears to be one purpose:
life. Our very existence is as statistically probable as the chances
of gravity suddenly reversing on it's own accord. God created this
whole realm as an act of revelation of himself and his glory, and I
cannot help but notice the richness of it all. We are little more
than specks of dirt in time, and yet this universe exists solely as a
home for us.

God loves us very much indeed. It's all for his glory... and how rich
that glory is!

CONSEQUENCE

Consequences, repercussions, outcomes--I am the kind of man who is
always careful about what he sows so that I may only reap the best
harvest. I am at a point where there are so many possible and
pressing choices that I am starting to wonder if I am going about it
all wrong. Maybe my time would be more fruitful if I made a choice
and then dealt with the consequences as it comes. Maybe that is just
as foolish.

I live my life so cautiously at times. It would be a lie for me to
deny that I am a calculative person; taking risks only when the
opportunity is destiny. I would say that this has not worked badly
for me, but I feel like something is missing.

Maybe I just need to dive deep. Make my choices and then stand by
them. What is this life, after all, if not a tiny finite moment
barely celebrated for but a moment? If I only live once (here) then
perhaps I should be a better steward of what God has blessed me with.

Whatever cost, whatever pain,
I'd like to think I'd follow you anywhere
Prepare this heart for whatever mission

IN CHRIST ALONE

I'm at that point in my life where my hunger to know God more
intimately is becoming a desperate hunger.

Soon I will starve, or be filled... and I doubt God is ready to let me
starve. I am ready to commit my life to living for God, and while
I'll admit it scares me to consider what implications that may have,
I see the adventure in it all. If there is anything I fancy myself to
be, it is an adventurer.

In Christ Alone, my hope is found.

I'm at another crossroad in my life. I have so many decisions to
make. Nothing is easy--well, except finding the time to sweat
everything. I face decisions in my job, in my dating life, in my
friendships, in my schedule, in my paths, in my finances... there are
choices that need to be made everywhere. While I lean on God to give
me wisdom, I know that he will not make the decision for me.
Therefore I sit and pray for guidance, and while I make a leap of
faith, pray that God will bless me in it.

It is also in this moment of rejuvenation that I seek to make changes
to my life that affect others. I want to be kinder, more generous,
and wiser. I used to be the person whom people sought for wisdom, and
lately I've felt like the village idiot. I want to be remembered for
my kind, bold, and prophetic words. I want to give others a taste of
the love God has, and I want to be full of life.

In the end, I worry that I am all flashy words and no substance. The
hope of things yet to be keeps me smiling however, and I pray for
growth to come.

I FEEL SO (INSERT COLORFUL SYNONYM OF "UGH")

I never take enough time to write about how I feel, and it is mostly
because I dislike dwelling on my feelings when they are negative. But
here is what is going on in my head.

I feel useless. This is not recent development. I feel useless and
in so many ways I know I am. There have been few people in my life
who told me contrary, but their infrequency has given credence to my
inadequacy. I get overlooked by almost everyone, and several others
just take me for granted anyway. My friends only call me when they
need something, and I feel like I have let them down. I hope to
change all this.

I feel like I have lost "my touch" with girls. I haven't had a
legitimate girlfriend in so long that I worry I might just be a
boring, and it makes me think I have nothing to offer when I know that
is certainly untrue. I just feel like I have lost my magic, and I do
wonder if girls will ever find me to be attractive. It is no lack of
confidence, but just perhaps I am dealing with some issues in my own
estimation of my self-worth. But maybe it is no underestimation at
all, perhaps just the bitter truth taken cooly.

I think my relationships with all my friends has suffered. Even my
friendships with my best friends seem to be shallow. I love my
friends, but I hate not considering most of them to be more important
to my basic survival. Intimacy is like oxygen to me, so why have I
neglected my friendships for so long? I hope to make myself an
indispensable part of their lives. I want to be encouraging,
involved, an trustworthy in their eyes and hearts. I feel like I have
yet to earn respect in some of my friends' eyes, and I hope to change
that.

I am tired of people pointing out that I am short, as if I hadn't
realized I was only 5'6". Yes, I know, and yes it is awkward when you
say [I'm] really small. Cut it out. I didn't choose this, and there
is no way to change it... so I just have to live my life. We all have
ideal measurements, and I am happy being thin and lean.

I want a good job, but it seems like nobody is looking for someone
like me at the moment. If I could have any job in the world, it would
be to travel the world taking pictures and video of wild places,
little-known cultures, and adventurous spirits.

My life is joyful. My soul is adventurous. My heart has a big
capacity. My mind is sharp. It's just, this has been a hard year.

NEVER STOP SEEKING

Can you see in the dark?

Ambiguous, yes.  It's a lyric from one of my new favorite songs "Keep Yourself Warm" by The Frightened Monkeys (explicative alert!).

I am at another crossroad in my life, and for some reason this one feels even more important than the decisions that I had to make right around graduation time.  What am I going to do with my life?  That question never seems to have a concrete answer, and it never seems to be an easier pill to swallow either.  I find myself searching high and low for scraps of truth to piece together the purpose of my existence.

I am learning to never stop seeking.  God's character is not someone who makes everything easy and sweet.  Surely, I will be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life, but I can never stop seeking.  There is so much to learn, so much to be revealed, and so much of God to ingest that I could spend a lifetime getting to know my creator -- and I'm guessing, "that's the point."

Never. NEVER.  NEVER STOP SEEKING.

BEAUTIFUL

'All that is gold does not glitter'

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien

SADDNESS

Some days I just wake up and realize that I feel sad.  It is not that I had a bad morning or a bad sleep, but every so often I come in to consciousness and realize that today might just be another forgettable day, and this of course makes me sad.

Deeply sad.

That which makes me sad are problems not easily solved.  I have sadness in so many areas of my life that this makes me sadder.  Sadness over a girl too far from reach, an adventure not lived, friends lost, friends not made, a family not bonded tightly, a God met with hostility, friends not in community, and a world full of ignorance of peace.  My sadness plagues these days, and there are times that my overwhelming hope and optimism fail in the shadow my sadness casts.

God's love is strong throughout my pain, and while it comforts me greatly, a desperate chill still fills my breath.  What can I do to make such sadness cease?  It seams for so long I haven't experienced great joy, and the terrible thing is that I know joy is often a matter of choice.

God, take this sad heart and make it new.