DEFEATED

Of course I was a fool for thinking that the best of days would be
followed by anything other than the worst of days. I pray for
blessings and I get disaster. Why is it that the most pitiful moments
of our existence are the moments that immediately follow the our
greatest? This balancing act is ridiculous. Yesterday's thoughts
included my maxim that it is good to be alive, but today's theme is
defeat--for that is all I feel right now.

I just want one moment of honesty to not feel guilty about calling out
bullshit. Bullshit is having some of the best days of your life and
the very next moment being on a trolly that struck that poor girl.
Bullshit is being stuck on that trolly for 40 minutes having to watch
them try to save this girl. The crazy thing is that I go between
moments where I am upset and moments where I feel so unnerved that I
want to care less. I suppose my proximity to the situation predicts a
lot of my feelings, but I am still just really impacted by how fragile
life is, and for some reason I am not as optimistic as I was
yesterday--and this makes me feel defeated. God help me.

I feel defeat creep into my life in nearly everything else I am
involved in as well. Defeat in work, defeat in relationships, defeat
in health... I just feel so defeated right now that I fear I might
stink of it.

Then the sun rises and it dawns on me: have I not already conquered
this? The answer is a resounding Yes! I have found freedom from the
sting of not only death, but freedom from those forces that seek to
turn my heart sour to the Lord. I am not defeated, I am not
finished. These stings may hurt, but they are attempts of desperation
from an evil that has nowhere to hide.

Defeat sucks and I know it, but I am not and will not be defeated.

I will continue trusting. I will continue believing that God has a
plan for me and for this life I so courageously want to live. I pray
for blessings, and blessings I do receive. I still feel the hurt, but
that only makes this whole thing more worth it. This world is not an
easy water to navigate, but I have a God who lights the way for me.

God, bless me and put your desires close to my heart. Continue giving
me a taste of your kingdom and continue to produce fruit through my
life. Use me for your will father, so that you may be pleased by the
gentleness of my heart and my willingness to boldly go to the ends of
this world for you. Give me peace, give me rest, give me wisdom, and
give me a love that abounds in your righteousness and rejoices in the
truth you've so expertly breathed.