A DISAPPOINTMENT, A LESSON?

So my family's ski trip was cancelled on account of "the largest storm in a decade" moving over the entire west coast... projecting to dump over 10' of snow everywhere and have winds over 100 mph at the peak of some mountains.  I know that the weather is something uncontrollable and their is no use being upset on account of it, but right now I am really disappointed.  I wanted to go on this ski-trip with my family so badly.  I have been thinking about it every day for the past three weeks and its been on my heart for a lot longer.  I have even been jogging every day just to get that extra bit of performance so I would enjoy less fatigue so I could have more fun with my family.

It just seams like nothing ever works out for us sometimes.  The new house, our cars, money, our plans... our family seems plagued because the things we plan for never work out it appears.

What I find that makes me find joy in the darkest of times is when I see that the things we don't plan for that become our best moments to shine.  I never planned on coming to APU, and here I am.  I never planned on a lot of things, but here I stand.  Perhaps this is another moment where God reminds us: let me takes the reigns... or to put it more vibrantly:  "I know the plans I have for you, you can trust me because I will always take care of you."

I feel very scared about the future.  Not frightened or afraid, but I feel a bothersome worry coming over me.  I know that I can trust God, and I know that I do, but I am still uncomfortable.  Yet the slightest glimmer of hope keeps me believing, for I know that God has big plans for me, maybe its just not the plans I have for me.

In a separate matter:  I am wondering if perhaps I am ready to have a girlfriend again.

2007: FREEDOM

Maybe you're like me, and you're the kind of person who loves the past
because it makes the infinite possibilities of the future taste
sweeter. Or perhaps you are also like me in that you look at times of
life in chunks, like chapters in the biography that will eventually be
written about you. You know that greatness can come from the humblest
origin. You may even believe what I believe: that greatness isn't a
measure of your wealth, your friends, your trophies, but of how you
live your life beyond average because you recognize that every moment
is a wonderful gift that excites you more than the last.

I suppose it's only natural for me to sit down and reflect on this
past year and the events, the people, and the growth that made 2007 my
year of finding Freedom. As I sit here now so many thoughts flood my
mind, and the further I try to narrow down this flood into a coherent
stream I just get overwhelmed by the shear volume of memories that
make me feel so alive. For me, reflection is important because it
makes a map of where I have been, and guides me to where I am going.
The future is unclear, but one thing I know for certain is that I am
so excited for the adventure, because adventure is what sustains my
every breath. So what was 2007?

Two Thousand Seven started off with Kathleen and I dating again.
Mistake or not, it was a good experience that taught me a lot about
myself and a lot about what I want in a relationship. It ended when
we both stopped wanting it, and I haven't looked back since and
thought it was a mistake. We are too different, and I need more than
she could ever offer me, and she should say the same of me. I spent
the next semester dating girls I didn't want to be with because I felt
unhappy with myself because of the rejection of one girl that I really
wanted, and never stopped wanting. It was a long journey for me, and
there were times where I wondered if I was just full of crap or if I
was just learning how to deal. Did I learn my lesson? My answer:
Rest assured that God is faithful. Additionally, for those who seek
wisdom, they will find it.

This year has been a another stretch in the long road for me to find
out who I truly am. I constantly struggle trying to decide how strong
I want to be, and where humbleness is due. I am so stretched between
trying to figure out when I need to make sure people stop walking over
me, and when I need to just get over my own mind to let peace come
into my life. Especially recently when dealing with some friends, I
find myself exhausted from taking all the blame to maintain
friendships just because other people are too proud to see their
errors. My whole being wants to stand up for myself, but yet I find
myself relenting just to let peace happen. What is right, and what is
wrong?

Yet in all things, trying to find strength is more about my personal
ability to stand up to the challenges life prepares for me, than about
the personal battles I have just to get there. I am strong, and
knowing that I am is all I really need to face my giants, unscathed or
not.

I am so thankful for the culmination of this wonderful year. I have
grown so much this year. I have matured in so many ways that make me
so feel so wonderful and full of vibrance and love. This year has
taught me one thing that will shape the rest of my life. Freedom. I
am free from so many things that had me in bondage that I built
myself. I am now in the process of the biggest trial of my life:
finding out who I really am. Its funny how the words of Dr. Steve
Gerali were so right on. I have been searching for who I really am
for so long, and thanks to providence I am finally seeing who that
person, Geoff Spencer, really is. I am finally free, and as time goes
on I will truly be free. I see how all my struggles and my battles
put me in bondage, and as I grow, as this adventure continues I will
rise against it with God as my power, and I will finally be free. Oh
wait, I just forgot the most important thing... I AM FREE. There is
no waiting for freedom to come tomorrow, or the day after. Christ
died on a cross that set me free long ago, and what I really mean is
that I am excited to understand how truly free I really am.

Mistakes I made this year: I've tried to be someone I am not. I've
found myself in love and not fought for it. I given to much of myself
to things I could care less about. I have made compromises I never
thought I would. I have had to question my integrity, my character,
and everything that I hold dear. Yet... these mistakes are a part of
me. I own them, and I make no excuse for it, but I simply understand
that these mistakes are but a part of the manufacturing process that
is going to make me into the man I am becoming.

The standout events that made this year great: Club 32, Bowles Middle
Court, Mammoth, Presidents Day Weekend, Spring Break, APU Basketball
games, living with Joey and Kellen, Summer RA, 4th of July, Hot
tubbing at Gerali's, Kellen's gig in Hollywood, Alpha Training,
Bridges, Orientation, Disneyland, Homecoming, "The Rocket Summer", Bed
Races, 22nd Birthday, Mexico trip, Halloween, Banquet, and so many more.

The friends that made it spectacular: Joey, Kellen, Chad, Cody,
Anders, Greg, Josh, Jon, Bryan, Darren, Dr. Steve, Brooke, Janay,
Megan, Julie, Katie, Mallory, Sarah, the many Rachels, Darin, Lauren,
Daly, Amanda, Kristy, Sally, Holly, Rachael, Stacy, and so many more
that I am forgetting at 2 in the morning. You all have taught me
about love, and more importantly, about freedom. Thank you, forever.

The year 2007 taught my freedom. It taught me to live free, to live
big and without fear, and to love every minute of this ride. It's
also kinda funny, cause I already know the theme for this new year:

2008: The Adventure.

Won't you set sail with me on my next great adventure? Wisdom will be
my compass, love will be the wind in my sails, I will float on faith,
and my wonderful friends will crew this ship. Our destination is
fixed and our path not difficult to see, but there is so much between
here and there that there is plenty of room for events of every kind,
and I cannot wait to feel the breeze on my face.

INTO THE WILD

At one point I imagined myself running away from this world and
escaping to whatever desolate location my heart could provide me the
strength to find. I am one of those men blessed with a spirit of
freedom that cannot be contained, as my thirst for adventure cannot be
satisfied by the trivial pursuit of life's end. Rather I find myself
living for those moments that make my heart gallup faster as my chest
rises and falls with a heavy breath of life. I find myself in love
with a God who created me to dream, created me to dare, and created me
to be free.

I find myself led into the wild.

Not some wilderness or expanse of lonely majesty, but rather the
wild... the uncharted territory of my future, a future that has yet to
be laid out. Here at the edge of this great world I boldly stand up
with eyes wide forward, searching, seeking for that Truth that gave me
the courage to rise at all. Before me stands the wild, and with my
burdens bared and yoked next to me, I step forward in the boldness and
strength that is not my own.

And the best part of it is that I have people to share my happiness
with. "Happiness is real when it is shared." People will never
forget the happiness you've shared with them... so let my life be just
that; a joy in community.

WOW. AMAZING

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LET FREEDOM RING

Something I have learned:

When you worry, you are basically telling God "I don't believe you love me, and I don't trust you."  Who am I to say something like that to God--the LORD of heaven and earth who created me out of dust?  When we worry about things it is evidence to the fact that we refuse to let go of our baggage:  we might as well say that we would rather be in bondage to all our crap than believe for one second that God has control over our very lives.

Not me.  If I am going to say that I trust God then I am going to mean it.  I can already see several circumstances forming in my life where I can see that my whole attitude is so wonderfully different because I am not worrying.  For once in my life I know what true freedom can be found in Christ when I refuse to worry about things outside my control anyway.

If there is one fundamental thing I have learned is that everyone can experience freedom easily... it only requires us to think clearly and follow through on our actions as Christ-lovers.

Something I told Kellen the other day "If you can't have fun in life, when can you?"

A NEW CREATION

A miracle happened today. Because of some error on my hotmail
account I had several saved messages and drafts become marked as
"unread" which of course drew my attention to them. The messages I
read were incredibly amazing, and I thank God for the blessing of
having this moment in my life.

If anything, the messages themselves paint a poor portrait of who I
am now, but a great portrait of who I used to be. As I read the
messages, it became a sweet reminder to me of how lost and insecure I
was in my past. I used to hate who I was, and saw nothing in me that
was lovable. Reading those emails I would have sent to my girlfriend
at the time make me smile with a special kind of resentment towards
that person that I was. Reading it was equally frustrating because I
sat there thinking "wow, why did I say that!?!" I realize however
how glad I am that I wrote those things, for primarily just being
able to look back today and see a glimpse into who I was.

I am so different now that it surprises me--I am totally a new
person. I owe all my transformation and change to the power of
Christ in my life (and maybe just a little bit to growing up).
Praise God though, in all things, for using the lowest moments of my
life to shape me into the man I am today. Hallelujah.

ENOUGH.

God is all I need. All of him is sufficient for me. At times when I
feel like I have nothing I truly have everything. I need to open my
eyes and remember that God is truly all I need, my hearts desire.
God make me the man you want me to be, and let me be free. Bring on
the adventure!