EXPLORE. DREAM. DISCOVER

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover.

-Mark Twain

I AM ON MY WAY

Sometimes I hear a song, and its message sounds so much like my life, that I begin to wonder if it was written about me--as if moments of my life sat suspended in fancy picture frames on the song writer's desk.  Now obviously I don't really believe that, but I am still struck by the frequency at which songs that especially comment on the current and flow of my life occur.  Lately, I have been feeling very discouraged about so many things, and yet I still have hope.  

I am on my way,

I can go the distance,

I don't care how far,

somehow I'll be strong

I know every mile

will be worth my while

I would go most anywhere

to feel like I belong.

"Go the Distance" from Walt Disney Pictures' Hercules.

Lyrics by David Zippel.

I am on my way, and I can go the distance.  With God by my side, I will be strong.  For me, the difference is that I know where and to who I belong.  To God, my creator.  In many ways, it assures me that all these feelings of not belonging to this world are not supposed to surprise or discourage me, but remind me of the awesome power by which, and for who, I was made.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

I know that as a good 'ol Christian boy I ought to be rejoicing in my
trials and hardships, but at this moment comfort and joy are strangers
to me. It perplexes me that I feel differently than I want to, and
differently then I know I should. All my hardships boil down to money
right now, and what is money? "Sparrows..." my friends say to me with
a stroke of shortsighted genius--a reference to the birds of the
fields that God provides for. I know that I am so loved by God, and I
know he is by my side, but right now I am not comforted by that. What
a shame, too.

I want nothing more than to trust God. It has taken me time to
realize that I really do not trust God. I say I do, I want to, I
believe I should, and I want nothing more... but both God and I know
that by my actions I refuse to let go of my faith in what I can do.
With every breath I take, I hate this constant struggle to
relinquish. I know the right answers, I say the right prayers, and
while my heart is wrong I all the while picture God at my side smiling
because he knows what he has in store for me.

How do we "consider it pure joy" when every part of us just wants to
be free of all hardship. Then I realize the futility of such
thought. When is Life ever kind, easy, and hardship free? I suppose
it is these times of hardships that refine us and make us who we are,
but I wish I could be a little more joyful about it. I wish I was
stronger, I wish I was wiser, and I just wish I could fix everything
that is wrong with my life and this world... and then the perpetual
lightbulb of an idea suddenly ignites a brilliant light in the chaos
of my inner turmoil:

I have an "I" problem.

THE RICHNESS OF YOUR GLORY

I think I am like most people, who put God into a little box where we
call on him whenever life gets a little hiccup or a distress becomes
too inconvenient to deal with alone. God is so much more than that,
and wants us to experience a richness of life that may not be easier,
but will certainly be fuller.

Tonight was the Christmas Eve service at church, and for the first
time ever we had the service at 11 pm. I was dreading it at first,
but then I found out some great friends whom I haven't seen in way too
long were coming and I got really excited. At Church, I recognized so
many family friends that it really made me very happy. For a family
christmas that almost didn't happen, this is sure turning out so far
to be a great Christmas (I feared I would be scheduled to work).

Tonight during the service I began thinking about why God goes so far
to reach out to us. We must be pretty special. Just looking around
at the world we discover an entire universe full of complex designs
and structures created by God for what appears to be one purpose:
life. Our very existence is as statistically probable as the chances
of gravity suddenly reversing on it's own accord. God created this
whole realm as an act of revelation of himself and his glory, and I
cannot help but notice the richness of it all. We are little more
than specks of dirt in time, and yet this universe exists solely as a
home for us.

God loves us very much indeed. It's all for his glory... and how rich
that glory is!

CONSEQUENCE

Consequences, repercussions, outcomes--I am the kind of man who is
always careful about what he sows so that I may only reap the best
harvest. I am at a point where there are so many possible and
pressing choices that I am starting to wonder if I am going about it
all wrong. Maybe my time would be more fruitful if I made a choice
and then dealt with the consequences as it comes. Maybe that is just
as foolish.

I live my life so cautiously at times. It would be a lie for me to
deny that I am a calculative person; taking risks only when the
opportunity is destiny. I would say that this has not worked badly
for me, but I feel like something is missing.

Maybe I just need to dive deep. Make my choices and then stand by
them. What is this life, after all, if not a tiny finite moment
barely celebrated for but a moment? If I only live once (here) then
perhaps I should be a better steward of what God has blessed me with.

Whatever cost, whatever pain,
I'd like to think I'd follow you anywhere
Prepare this heart for whatever mission

IN CHRIST ALONE

I'm at that point in my life where my hunger to know God more
intimately is becoming a desperate hunger.

Soon I will starve, or be filled... and I doubt God is ready to let me
starve. I am ready to commit my life to living for God, and while
I'll admit it scares me to consider what implications that may have,
I see the adventure in it all. If there is anything I fancy myself to
be, it is an adventurer.

In Christ Alone, my hope is found.

I'm at another crossroad in my life. I have so many decisions to
make. Nothing is easy--well, except finding the time to sweat
everything. I face decisions in my job, in my dating life, in my
friendships, in my schedule, in my paths, in my finances... there are
choices that need to be made everywhere. While I lean on God to give
me wisdom, I know that he will not make the decision for me.
Therefore I sit and pray for guidance, and while I make a leap of
faith, pray that God will bless me in it.

It is also in this moment of rejuvenation that I seek to make changes
to my life that affect others. I want to be kinder, more generous,
and wiser. I used to be the person whom people sought for wisdom, and
lately I've felt like the village idiot. I want to be remembered for
my kind, bold, and prophetic words. I want to give others a taste of
the love God has, and I want to be full of life.

In the end, I worry that I am all flashy words and no substance. The
hope of things yet to be keeps me smiling however, and I pray for
growth to come.

I FEEL SO (INSERT COLORFUL SYNONYM OF "UGH")

I never take enough time to write about how I feel, and it is mostly
because I dislike dwelling on my feelings when they are negative. But
here is what is going on in my head.

I feel useless. This is not recent development. I feel useless and
in so many ways I know I am. There have been few people in my life
who told me contrary, but their infrequency has given credence to my
inadequacy. I get overlooked by almost everyone, and several others
just take me for granted anyway. My friends only call me when they
need something, and I feel like I have let them down. I hope to
change all this.

I feel like I have lost "my touch" with girls. I haven't had a
legitimate girlfriend in so long that I worry I might just be a
boring, and it makes me think I have nothing to offer when I know that
is certainly untrue. I just feel like I have lost my magic, and I do
wonder if girls will ever find me to be attractive. It is no lack of
confidence, but just perhaps I am dealing with some issues in my own
estimation of my self-worth. But maybe it is no underestimation at
all, perhaps just the bitter truth taken cooly.

I think my relationships with all my friends has suffered. Even my
friendships with my best friends seem to be shallow. I love my
friends, but I hate not considering most of them to be more important
to my basic survival. Intimacy is like oxygen to me, so why have I
neglected my friendships for so long? I hope to make myself an
indispensable part of their lives. I want to be encouraging,
involved, an trustworthy in their eyes and hearts. I feel like I have
yet to earn respect in some of my friends' eyes, and I hope to change
that.

I am tired of people pointing out that I am short, as if I hadn't
realized I was only 5'6". Yes, I know, and yes it is awkward when you
say [I'm] really small. Cut it out. I didn't choose this, and there
is no way to change it... so I just have to live my life. We all have
ideal measurements, and I am happy being thin and lean.

I want a good job, but it seems like nobody is looking for someone
like me at the moment. If I could have any job in the world, it would
be to travel the world taking pictures and video of wild places,
little-known cultures, and adventurous spirits.

My life is joyful. My soul is adventurous. My heart has a big
capacity. My mind is sharp. It's just, this has been a hard year.