It has been too long -- far too long -- since my last post. In many
ways, I have been living out great adventures that have been really
good for my soul, and in other ways, I have been far too lazy and
neglecting the things that matter most to me. I have been so lazy
lately that I have felt like I have no time to write. I remember back
to my time at APU when I had barely four hours of sleep but still made
time to consider my thoughts about life and write them down. Here I
sit now, making time, but for a different reason. Freeing myself from
writing out of a sense of duty and purpose, I can now write out of
sheer pleasure in pursuit of the excellence that makes me feel alive.
So how do I capture the last few months? They have escaped my pen, or
rather my keyboard. The storyteller in me wants to write it all down,
record it, narrate it and fit it into a chapter in my life -- but the
thinker in me would rather leave these months blank, a mystery to
anyone caring to notice. The truth is that these have been a few of
the darkest months in my life, but I am blessed. I have never had so
much to worry about, but never have I worried less. Perhaps it is
ignorance, perhaps it is hope. Well whatever bliss this is, I am
blessed.
My work is easy, too easy. I am not challenged at all. The biggest
challenge I face is telling people they have to wait another 5 minutes
to use their fast pass, or deciding whether or not to hit the ride-
stop button because someone is floating their banana in the elevator
shaft. I was offered an interview to be a trainer... I am capable of
so much more and I hope they realize that. I have my eyes on so many
bigger things. I want to do great things, but I have no idea where to
start. I have no idea what I want to do. All the things that
interest me seem to require vast sums of money or years and years of
experience (which I have neither). I hate being confined, and I feel
in some ways that my life is a poorly constructed prison begging to be
sprung.
It has been too long since I have seen my family. It has been too
long since I have felt close kinship with a stranger. It has been too
long since I have been to church. It has been too long since I have
felt comfortable and assured. It has been far too long since I have
done anything worth remembering. It has been far too long since I
have felt a sense of purpose of my life, and it has been far too long
since I have thought about serving anyone but myself. Maybe though,
this time has simply been preparation time... time for me to prepare
my life for great purpose.
I am stuck on one question. If I could only answer that question, my
whole life would be answered. I would have no fear because I could
stop wondering about it and finally do it. The question is "where do
I start?" The idea that keeps me fascinated, however, is that by
answering that question, I will have taken all the mystery out of
life. "What I was born to do?" is perhaps a question better
considered in the end. If I could pick an answer now though, I would
say I was born to go on great adventures. It has been far too long
since I had an adventure.
Here I sit now, writing as I always love, trying to find a reason not
to beat myself up over the selfishness and the laziness I have
experienced these last few months. All my thoughts have revolved on
trying to get a better job, to boost myself up to somewhere new, to
find a career, and the funny thing is that I haven't spent more than
an hour tending to my heart, or cultivating my soul. The good news
is, the times: they are 'a changing.
Why am I committing myself to change? Simply put, it has been too long.
